What No One Sees

Can we get honest here for a minute… (you know… sort of my MO) about parenting and running a household… and in recovery… Damn… I’m no martyr but shit is hard and I’m whooping it’s ass! Well, mostly and sorta kinda. Some days are darker than others but the sun always comes out eventually. If I’m going to preach honesty, though, allow me to say that parenting and doing life sober is tough as shit!

So let’s talk about the stuff that no one ever sees. The dishes, the dust bunnies, the random toys, crafts, school art projects, clothes, coats, shoes, bags, mail, groceries… ALL of the shit has to find a home inside our homes, right? That in and of itself is a conquest. Oh yes it is. Apparently I also believe in aiming low at some things as to have plenty of celebrations in my life. 😀 You’ll find I have a lot of those areas. Aim for mediocrity as to create less work. Ugh… but a little true. So, yeah, where’s my medal for finding a home for little tiny clothes pins that my daughter thought she just had to have to do a project. Or what about the ONE MILLION Legos that my boy children think are never enough. The struggle is real, ya’ll. Why do you think that there are thousands of organizational receptacles and professions geared towards such? Because that shit’s hard.

Do not get me started about cooking. Again, aim low, friends. Saves you an enormous amount of time. I joke, but last night when I made rice noodles, popcorn chicken, and strawberries, presented it to my child on a paper plate and he said, “whoa… it’s like a five star restaurant” you feel good inside. 😀 I think cooking takes up an enormous amount of time, because not only do you need to prep, cook, plate, and clean up, but then you need to beg and barter with some of your children for upwards of a half hour to even put a piece of said meal in their face hole. Where’s my medal for not shoving it down their face hole at least 3 times a week? I like to cook. The way I’ve parented around food and the way my kids eat has made me hate to cook. Meal time…. that shit’s hard.

Wanna dish about laundry for a hot minute?? I somehow, someway, one day found my groove thang but for years upon years the laundry made it to the washer and the dryer and that was it. I spent years picking out clean clothes for the kids to wear from a mixed up basket of everyone’s things, swearing the entire time about what bull shit laundry was, throwing it in the dryer to get the wrinkles out and handing it over to them to get ready for school. Yep, years. She who keeps such a tidy house… well, don’t ever open the laundry room closet… it was a hurricane…. the opposite of tidy. Now I try to dry, fold and the kids put away. It’s an every other day thing and I completely hate it because there is nothing not time consuming about it, but I find the time and make it snappy. Now there’s still a gigantic basket of socks on top of the dryer that they fend for themselves for daily because ain’t noooo body got time for that crap.

Homework and work work…. C’mon, who’s with me on this?? I work from home which is a complete luxury, I do not ever take this for granted, but working around the door bell, the pop ins, the littlest one needing to eat, play, have a therapy sesh or bathe, and phone calls… gooood grief, it can feel like I’ve worked a 15 hour day some days because I’m squeezing in actual work that I get paid for in between the work that I don’t. And then… AND THEN the big kids get home from school with more work that they need my help working on! Jeeeesus! Where’s my gold frickin medal damnit?!! That shit’s hard.

Ah… raising a baby with special needs. Let’s chitty chit chat about that. First I must mention the near or total PTSD that comes with the intense fear of having a baby that is struggling to stay with you in the beginning. I can’t pretend to explain that fully. It’s beyond terrifying and horrible. The tests that they put the teeniest tiniest little being through, the waiting for the results from those tests, those tests not resulting in a diagnosis, the waiting for a diagnosis. Oh my lands…. it’s all impossible to bear. Then comes the diagnosis…. but not before an insane amount of medical intervention just so your child can live on… The processing of the diagnosis… hearing it for the first time, the research, the tears, the emotion. Oy vey! Just that. No words. After the diagnosis you hear things like, “utilize your resources.” Do you know what that has meant for us? Geneticists, surgeons, multiple pediatricians, dietitians, endocrinologists, physical therapists, speech therapists, orthopedists, specialists, xray techs, annnd injections…. daily…. since he was 4 months old. Whew!!! And that’s all so that he can live a “typical” life. Worth it? Totally… balls out totally worth it. He’s amazing and has made me a better person. He’s hilarious and generous with his love. He’s a little piece of heaven here on earth and I’m blessed to be his momma, through and through. Doesn’t change the fact that he is completely high maintenance and time consuming. That’s what we’re talking about here. Fitting all of life into life. A huge part of my day is being a good momma to this needy little love. That shit’s hard.

Staying emotionally fit, spiritually fit, and sober (I disclude physically fit because I’ve yet to wrangle that one). Now there’s some monsters right there! My answer for everything used to be to throw a bottle of wine at it. No joke. Let me just get through this here day and top it off with a couple of bottles (or box… not picky) of vino. That worked for a while but it’s very, very difficult to grow into yourself emotionally or spiritually when you’re numbing yourself with the sauce. And those other things became important to me. Okay okay so it wasn’t as profound as all that… I had to hit a rock solid bottom that had a couple of trap doors, and I had to hit it hard. Really really face plant. But what came from that was a seeking for spiritual and emotional growth that has changed my life. But that, my friends, that shit is hard. Freaking, freaking hard. Living life on life’s terms and not my bottle’s? Not even in the realm of easy. Meetings, therapy, energy work, reading, studying, praying, writing, talking and doing. That in and of itself could fill up a day. Sober is hard if your body and mind have a different plan. Fighting that shit is tough, but possible and beautiful. Freaking amazing really.

So this is getting long for me so let’s wrap it up… what have we discovered here?? That choose a topic, choose a life task and break it down. Just doing that one thing well could straight fill up a whole day, right? I’ve talked about this before in reference to balance but I just want to be really clear here. Doing life on it’s terms, with any sort of grace is a full throttle lot to ask. And we do it. We do it. Some days we knock that shit out of the damn park and some days we’re lucky that the house is still standing, but I guess that’s my point. We need to be gentle with ourselves. There is nothing about life in general that is easy and doing it even a titch well is big, often really big and really heavy. But we’re doing it. We’re learning about ourselves, trying extra hard to see that our children won’t need therapy later in life (or rather working really hard to help pay for their therapy later in life), and deciding at the end of each day how we might be a wee bit better tomorrow. It’s really all it’s really about…. not being better than anyone else, but better than the person we were the day before. That’s it. If you’re anything like me, it really helps to dumb that shit down that way. If I’m not trying to complete never ending lists, or achieve things that aren’t ready for me yet, or or or, but rather just aim to be a little better than I was yesterday it all seems a little more doable and a little less daunting. And in this here little world we live in that is full up of bull shit hard living… that is enough. You are enough. Say that today and everyday until you believe it. The rest will fall into place.


Healing. Yeah, Healing

I have to talk about this, but bear with me because it just happened on Friday so I’m still processing and reeling some, if I’m being honest…. I’m not sure I can make sense of it in words… but I’m going to try.

First let’s talk about all of the things that we can do to aid and assist in our well being. I talk a LOT about recovery, mental, and emotional health, right? Well, what works for some might be different than what works for others. What is really cool is that as we evolve we might find that to be true even inside our own journey. So for example, therapy worked for me for years. I mean years. It kept me hungry to continue to seek inside my “why I am the way I am.” And there was a lot of growth in that. Though I’m not nearly done with that I’m finding my help in other ways today. Finding myself through energy healing, tarot, and spiritual guidance is nearly knocking my socks off. Yep… my outer princess has found her inner hippie and it’s awwwwsome! Though really, she’s always been there. It is amazing and even that word seems menial. I cannot believe the things I’m learning, how it’s leading to an enormous amount of healing and taking ownership, and how the amount of self awareness, care, and love are exploding. Oh my gosh… I just have no clue how to express that.

I still find crazy importance in keeping my foot inside meetings, surrounding myself with soulful people, the outdoors, yoga, meditation, rest, and reading books for the mind, but there can be absolutely no discounting in what our bodies are built for and designed to do. The energy that our bodies possess is beyond fathomable. I’ve always believed in the law of attraction but what I’m learning about how my own body’s energy can work for itself is mind blowing. I always liked the idea, thought it was cool, but just looked on at it as it would never work for me…. not for my level of crazy. But once I went all in on the belief factor, realized my crazy was not unique, and practiced it with a “there’s no way in can hurt to try” mentality I was astounded by the results, and kind of pissed actually that I didn’t go all in sooner.

What’s so important about not getting stagnant or afraid to try less conventional things is that there is always more to discover. I learned something on Friday that goes hand in hand with something I’ve been working on, is actually a piece of it that I never considered, that literally blew my mind as well as made my path much more clear. Wow! Right?! Different people, different ideas, different methods…. don’t rule anything out. Now, I could also say that you shouldn’t overwhelm yourself. There is such a thing as too much. If what I was doing right now wasn’t along the same plane I might pull back in one area as to make sure I’m getting all the value I can, but in the same breath, I’ll say, don’t limit yourself. What is speaking to me has to do with the sun and the stars, mother nature, self energy, and more. What may speak to you could be meds, bicycling, and going to bed early…. right? So it’s all going to be a myriad of combinations for each of us because we’re all individuals with different stories. What makes us the same is that we should find our combo. It’s important to have one. There isn’t a one of us that shouldn’t be helping ourselves be the very best version of ourselves. Once we’re inside of that journey the outside journey sort of just presents itself.

Can I just tell you that in doing this kind of inside work, making new choices, and really honing in on what has made me feel broken all of these years is making it crystal clear what my life’s work is meant to be. I mean WOW right?!! I’ve always agreed with that being said and suggested to me, but even though the path I have been paving was in fact helping me, it was in being open to less conventional things that truly spoke (dare I say screamed) to me. It fit, it resonated, it glowed, and burned…… inside of me. I cannot express how that makes the recovery evolve… when you find your jam. Fo realz! F*ck… I feel like I’m holding back some how!! It’s so hard to explain. 😮 😉 Gahhh…. I’m in awe of where my life is going. All just for being open, honest, and willing.

I will hope, pray, and channel, always, for you to find this feeling. Don’t ever stop looking for it.

Find me on Facebook and Youtube. And join me in business…. it’s in choosing this line of work that led me to where I’m going. Crazy but true.


Ebb (grrrr) and Flow

Today I was talking with a friend and feeling very frustrated. I originally started with blaming outside things… but no no, worry not… it was and is always me. My frustration stemmed first from my character defects presenting themselves strongly on this particular occasion, which led to then being frustrated that I was unable to keep my defects from surfacing. What a debacle, right?

So let’s talk. Two things come to mind. We are never, not ever, done working to improve ourselves. And two, whenever our panties are in a neat little knot there is a very good chance we are to blame. Damnit! Right? I hear you!

When you’re undoing things from your past, or are in recovery, or are striving for change there is a journey there that we wish had an ending place… at least I do… or that’s how I behave anyway. So here we are undoing behaviors that, for all intents and purposes, are ingrained in us… strongly and hoping that when addressed and counseled just, poof, disappear. If only. The unfortunate truth is that it will probably take just as long to undo as it was actively ugly. SO…. we do things daily to gently remind ourselves to stay the course. Exhausting, no? Well no because it’s better. It just is. Some days it’s just harder. Harder but doable.

If you’re anything like me then you have a very good “forgetter”…. I can ride high for 2 or 3 weeks after a therapy or life coaching session because in those sessions I am reminded that I am not my past, that the work I’m doing is working magic, and I’m on a beautiful path. BUT after a couple few weeks I start to forget if I’m not doing the things that most benefit me, and I’m off… right back into old thinking. Sigh…. It makes me bat shit that it’s still there. I’ll have my wee pity party of why do I even bother if this is where my head is going to go eventually anyway??… And then when the party ends (which usually means telling on myself to a trusted friend) and I get back on course with meditation, work and reading, things miraculously start to look rosier again. What’s that called…. ebb and flow? Yeah, well if I’m being honest… ebb can kiss my ass. Alas, it’s progress not perfection. No shit on that note!

Okay… what was the other thing?? Oh right… It’s me. Dang namnit… it’s always me. Okay, not always, there are some real assholes out there… but mostly, yep, look in the mirror Einstein, your ego and your fear and your laziness are making everything and everyone the bad guy again. Isn’t that rich?? Ego and fear can make me quit, blame, cry, and crazy. Now that is exhausting.

It’s so much more productive and more pleasant to admit what the hell is going on and ask for help. So why is that so impossible? Well crap, because old behaviors are familiar and even comfortable…. sick as it is. It’s easier to feel those old feelings and respond accordingly than it is to keep propelling in the change. It just is. So we do the tug of war dance with our old self, and with what we’ve learned to help and heal us… and we choose. I’m grateful today that my choice, after my dance, always falls on the growth and change side, but it took a lot of time to get here. I still completely suck at allowing myself to get sucked in to the old stuff, but after some hard work, it’s shorter visits there and quicker recovery. In the end I know what to do, how to do it, what led me there, and what the healthier side looks like. I believe with how different things are today that only more good things are to come.

Never stop healing and improving upon yourself. You’re so very worth it.