Arrive

Today I want to talk about mindset. And I’ll tell you why… I’m struggling right now with mine. Not officially, as I always know what to do, emotionally, I’m just not always equipped to do what to do. :p Enter pesky depression that I have talked so much about. I’m steering clear of full throttle depression for the last several months but it teases me a little bit every once in a while.

So, for the most part, I’m the annoying girl that is always insisting that something isn’t so bad, here’s the silver lining, what can you learn from that, stay positive because that breeds more positive. You know, the girl that you don’t want to talk to if you’re looking to celebrate your pity party. Right? I mean I’m really a broken record about it all. It is what I believe at the core of me. (Here’s the dreaded) BUT sometimes, sometimes my day to day real life reality, self doubt, and fear take over and allow me to flail a little bit. I suppose there’s a piece of that that helps me to grow, gives me an opportunity to break a cycle, not repeat a pattern, and practice what I preach, BUT sometimes it’s harder than I would like it to be.

So, for example, we weren’t approved for a new car loan. Now, my positive mindset would say, how incredible is it that you would have even thought that you had come so far, that your credit was improved so much that you could get a car, that the last few years you had your shit so much together that you thought you could get a new car?? That’s amazing!! But instead I was a hot mess of feeling embarrassed, like a failure, extreme disappointment, and just overall pooooor me. Ugh, right? I mean, my current vehicle doesn’t have air conditioning and it is miserable. How can I be expected to keep driving such nonsense? What a brat! I mean, it’s a car, it gets me where I need to go. Everyone should be so lucky. See what I’m talking about here? Grateful but moody. I’m a mess.

Another example is that I’m not where I want to be with my business. I can often let fear stop me from getting there. I can go as dark as thinking that if I’m not where I want to be then I probably don’t have what it takes to get there. That’s bullshit. I know this and yet fear strangles me all the same. Enter feelings of envy, inadequacy, and wanting to quit. Again… thee bullshit! That’s just me talking myself into taking the easy way, the old pattern way, the hey if I don’t try then I can’t fail way. Gross. Get to work, woman.

Here’s what I’m trying to say…. Don’t stop believing in yourself. Don’t ever stop. That’s one of the only things I can confidently say about my journey. I never, ever quit all the way or forever. I’ve tried. I’ve come close but at the end of the day, the one thing I can say in terms of being a success is that I never, ever stop getting up. That is enough some days. You know those days? When it’s enough that your kids had three meals and you didn’t burn one of them  (the meals, not the kids)? :p Yep, some days that’s all I’ve got. But on a very good day, I educate myself on myself, I work hard on my business, I enjoy my children instead of wanting to strangle them, 😉 I practice self care, I try to give back, and I eeek my way back to my positive line of living. It isn’t easy. Shit, life is full of a crap ton of responsibilities, some drama if you fall victim, hardships, and hurt. It’s important to process all of it, and we all may have different ways of doing that, but if, in the end, you come full circle back to you then you’ve done it right. Whatever that looks like for you specifically then you’ve done it right. My fear of failure and hardwork combined lol keeps me working hard but I do. I must.

When I first began recovery I absolutely hated some of the continuous sayings being flung at me. I hear them so differently now that I have a little bit of wellness under my belt. “This too shall pass.” WHAT?? Did you not hear me? I’ve got a major, real life problem right here, right now! I don’t need you sweeping it under the rug with some air quotes. Maaan! Now when I hear this very saying, this too shall pass, it gives me encouragement. It’s a relief. Nothing is forever. Whatever is disastrous, trying, or miserable will not ever remain in it’s current state forever. That’s amazing and a huge relief. Right?! Things being in constant motion allows us endless opportunities to practice how best to respond, react, and deal with what is presented to us. What a relief of a perspective. I’m never doomed. I never just have the worst luck. I’m not always stuck. I get to pave my path AND how I’m going to perceive it. Sometimes I do those things beautifully, sometimes hideously…. the point is that I’m doing it. I’m sometimes sailing over to the other side and sometimes clawing my way, but I will always arrive. Arrive. Any way you can. It’s going to be ok.

It’s Just Hiding Under the Surface All the Time

I’m going to be back later today or tomorrow with something new but I wanted to post something I came across that I had written from a few months ago. It’s one of those things that I like to do… keep what I battle with fresh in my mind so that I’m continuously working on the things daily that keep me healthy, happy and the demon at bay. Yes, depression, one of my demons. It’s never representative of who I am, but something that I own, as to know it is to know me better.

Funk Happens

Keeping it real…. here’s the other side of what I preach.

Keep it positive they said. No one wants a Debbie Downer they said. I don’t disagree with that but that’s just not my reality. If I’m going to preach anything it’s going to be authenticity and authentically… I’m dowwwwn. The kind of funk where taking a shower and getting dressed for the day is too much to ask. The kind where you schedule your entire day of responsibilities around giving you the absolute most time for reclusiveness. The kind where someone’s caring words or the right song turn on the water works. The kind that you can’t pinpoint exactly why this is happening but are just certain that your life is far too big to manage…. how can one person run a home, a business, homework times 3, meals, laundry, therapy appts and hospital stays, billpaying, grocery shopping, broken cars and doing it all mediocre at best and not feeling like an absolute failure? The kind of down where you do whatever you can to bump into the least amount of people possible. Yep. Hi. That’s me.

Unfortunately this is something I battle month after month, year after year. Something that I own… begrudgingly… still… at this point. When in it I find it hard to swallow that this is it. That this is how I’m built and does it mean I’m broken…. Why? Why can’t I just be happy most of the time? Full and energetic, grateful and harmonious? Alas, I’m not…. not always. Luckily my mind works in such a way that I KNOW what to do. I KNOW who I truly am. I KNOW that the depths of my kind, generous, and jubilant heart will prevail, but try as I might there is nothing I can do with my authentic self when she finds herself waning and finding comfort in the dark. The comfy, cozy, escaping dark. The kind of dark that hints it’s way in with extreme cleaning and organizing… organizing exteriorly bc inside I’m falling apart. I know what helps and I know everyone means well by saying pray, exercise, eat right, talk about it, go to a meeting, call your therapist, take a bath, go for walk, or mediate… that will help… but to me, when I’m in it that all sounds like the heaviest suggestions possible. How do I do everything and anything exactly opposite of what I’m feeling capable of? Impossible.

Be positive. Stay strong. Channel what you want and need. What we think we become….. I’ll find myself there eventually. I always do. It’s what I believe. But someone struggling with anxiety, depression, or an ism… at least this someone… knows that it just has to run its course. Something or someone always brings me back to the surface and I can count on that. I’ve been to the darkest of darks and this is never that anymore. It’s become a part of me… again I’ll say begrudgingly… alas I know there’s another side to it. The brighter side. This too shall pass. It’s become my body’s forced break. Time out. My whoa button. This rainy, dark and dreary day is making the tears come easy and will likely speed up the cleansing process. Though today is filled with grey tomorrow will likely yield to something brighter.