What Might Become My Life’s Work

It’s time to finally start talking about the tough topics… yeah… I address many, and to be honest, some of the toughest topics to discuss aren’t tough for me at all. I think it’s necessary for living authentically. I don’t have the patience for anything else anymore. My truth is my truth. It’s some ugly and some beautiful and the balance is awesome. It was when I started getting honest that my life started to look how I imagined it might. Things began to open up, and everything started to make sense.

There’s an area that I don’t address much and that area is family. Dun dun dun…. It’s a tough one. If I’m being authentic then I would talk about how my family dynamic growing up affected my… well… everything, and yet it’s tough because my intention would not at all be to hurt them. I struggle with it enormously. Especially since what I think I want to focus on in my work is clearing and healing ancestral lineage (or breaking the cycle of family dysfunction). I am so beyond passionate about shit starting over with me. Boom! Taking what I’ve known having been passed down from generations to attribute to my crazy and change it as to STOP the cycle with my children… and me (reconditioned). If I accomplish nothing else but that in my lifetime then I will feel it a success. If my legacy is that I helped to change the unhealthy and emotionally damaging dynamics that I was raised with as to offer my children a chance for a healthier and a more spiritually filled existence then YAY me! For real.

I know… I know… there’s always something. I’m for reeeeal for real not perfect, so if not what I was raised with then certainly something will offer them an opportunity to do the same thing one day… have a need for reconditioning. Who knows. But I am learning so many things in which to raise my babies with (and without) some of the things that I found damaging. I have to believe that it’s beneficial. Screw that, I know that it is.

When I look at where I came from it’s easy not to blame because, although I hate this sentence, my parents did the best they could with what they knew, I know that and I believe that. They had to come from somewhere too and where they came from was very much the same. Just repeating patterns for living that were taught to them. We are a part of an intense generation. The research, the medicine, the law, the self discovery, the diversity of everything… including spirituality… we are just becoming a more unique, individual, taking the road less traveled by society. If something is broke, we fix it, rather than just do what our parents did. It is by far the most major difference of today in speaking of this type of thing. My father was raised in a gruff and unemotional household so it never occurred to him to pursue another way to be. It wasn’t what was done then. It was almost expected, I think. Ancestors pass down recipes, traditions, and emotional sickness and it was just expected that we follow suit.

I think my particular generation had several uncommunicative parents. Meaning there was a LOT of under rug sweeping. Let’s just keep quiet about this as to avoid it altogether. Never happened. From a very, very young age I was horrible about handling emotionally driven times, even the death of grandparents, because I didn’t know how. I had no idea how. In 8th grade I’d already had a couple of break ups, because I looked to boyfriends to make me feel worthy, and had been bullied off and on since 5th grade. How I handled this was not to talk about it, no no, but to hibernate in my room, that was in the basement no less, and write poetry about killing myself. In 8th grade. It was very dark and lonesome times.

I think I’m going to be able to do a couple of articles on this topic. Maybe several. So for today let’s leave off with some healing thoughts. We aren’t our ancestors, we aren’t our past, we aren’t ruined. If your history has a little pain and dysfunction sprinkled all about it, try not to worry. Recognizing it is huge in and of itself. What you do about it, well that’s the most important thing, but recognizing it is first and necessary. And then accepting that it’s unacceptable is next. Healing begins with the realization that we have the power to break the cycle and be authentically ourselves. It comes down to that word I use so often…. choice. We have to choose that we want to do things differently. Choose what we want our lives to look like. Choose to make new traditions and choose what might be deemed as the less popular path because that is what speaks to us. In the end, what it really comes down to is being present, really here in the present moment as to be your most authentic self, but finding your path for healing your lineage and your subconscious mind. We’ll talk more about all of this next time. Much love.

 

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Healing. Yeah, Healing

I have to talk about this, but bear with me because it just happened on Friday so I’m still processing and reeling some, if I’m being honest…. I’m not sure I can make sense of it in words… but I’m going to try.

First let’s talk about all of the things that we can do to aid and assist in our well being. I talk a LOT about recovery, mental, and emotional health, right? Well, what works for some might be different than what works for others. What is really cool is that as we evolve we might find that to be true even inside our own journey. So for example, therapy worked for me for years. I mean years. It kept me hungry to continue to seek inside my “why I am the way I am.” And there was a lot of growth in that. Though I’m not nearly done with that I’m finding my help in other ways today. Finding myself through energy healing, tarot, and spiritual guidance is nearly knocking my socks off. Yep… my outer princess has found her inner hippie and it’s awwwwsome! Though really, she’s always been there. It is amazing and even that word seems menial. I cannot believe the things I’m learning, how it’s leading to an enormous amount of healing and taking ownership, and how the amount of self awareness, care, and love are exploding. Oh my gosh… I just have no clue how to express that.

I still find crazy importance in keeping my foot inside meetings, surrounding myself with soulful people, the outdoors, yoga, meditation, rest, and reading books for the mind, but there can be absolutely no discounting in what our bodies are built for and designed to do. The energy that our bodies possess is beyond fathomable. I’ve always believed in the law of attraction but what I’m learning about how my own body’s energy can work for itself is mind blowing. I always liked the idea, thought it was cool, but just looked on at it as it would never work for me…. not for my level of crazy. But once I went all in on the belief factor, realized my crazy was not unique, and practiced it with a “there’s no way in can hurt to try” mentality I was astounded by the results, and kind of pissed actually that I didn’t go all in sooner.

What’s so important about not getting stagnant or afraid to try less conventional things is that there is always more to discover. I learned something on Friday that goes hand in hand with something I’ve been working on, is actually a piece of it that I never considered, that literally blew my mind as well as made my path much more clear. Wow! Right?! Different people, different ideas, different methods…. don’t rule anything out. Now, I could also say that you shouldn’t overwhelm yourself. There is such a thing as too much. If what I was doing right now wasn’t along the same plane I might pull back in one area as to make sure I’m getting all the value I can, but in the same breath, I’ll say, don’t limit yourself. What is speaking to me has to do with the sun and the stars, mother nature, self energy, and more. What may speak to you could be meds, bicycling, and going to bed early…. right? So it’s all going to be a myriad of combinations for each of us because we’re all individuals with different stories. What makes us the same is that we should find our combo. It’s important to have one. There isn’t a one of us that shouldn’t be helping ourselves be the very best version of ourselves. Once we’re inside of that journey the outside journey sort of just presents itself.

Can I just tell you that in doing this kind of inside work, making new choices, and really honing in on what has made me feel broken all of these years is making it crystal clear what my life’s work is meant to be. I mean WOW right?!! I’ve always agreed with that being said and suggested to me, but even though the path I have been paving was in fact helping me, it was in being open to less conventional things that truly spoke (dare I say screamed) to me. It fit, it resonated, it glowed, and burned…… inside of me. I cannot express how that makes the recovery evolve… when you find your jam. Fo realz! F*ck… I feel like I’m holding back some how!! It’s so hard to explain. 😮 😉 Gahhh…. I’m in awe of where my life is going. All just for being open, honest, and willing.

I will hope, pray, and channel, always, for you to find this feeling. Don’t ever stop looking for it.

Find me on Facebook and Youtube. And join me in business…. it’s in choosing this line of work that led me to where I’m going. Crazy but true.

 

Ebb (grrrr) and Flow

Today I was talking with a friend and feeling very frustrated. I originally started with blaming outside things… but no no, worry not… it was and is always me. My frustration stemmed first from my character defects presenting themselves strongly on this particular occasion, which led to then being frustrated that I was unable to keep my defects from surfacing. What a debacle, right?

So let’s talk. Two things come to mind. We are never, not ever, done working to improve ourselves. And two, whenever our panties are in a neat little knot there is a very good chance we are to blame. Damnit! Right? I hear you!

When you’re undoing things from your past, or are in recovery, or are striving for change there is a journey there that we wish had an ending place… at least I do… or that’s how I behave anyway. So here we are undoing behaviors that, for all intents and purposes, are ingrained in us… strongly and hoping that when addressed and counseled just, poof, disappear. If only. The unfortunate truth is that it will probably take just as long to undo as it was actively ugly. SO…. we do things daily to gently remind ourselves to stay the course. Exhausting, no? Well no because it’s better. It just is. Some days it’s just harder. Harder but doable.

If you’re anything like me then you have a very good “forgetter”…. I can ride high for 2 or 3 weeks after a therapy or life coaching session because in those sessions I am reminded that I am not my past, that the work I’m doing is working magic, and I’m on a beautiful path. BUT after a couple few weeks I start to forget if I’m not doing the things that most benefit me, and I’m off… right back into old thinking. Sigh…. It makes me bat shit that it’s still there. I’ll have my wee pity party of why do I even bother if this is where my head is going to go eventually anyway??… And then when the party ends (which usually means telling on myself to a trusted friend) and I get back on course with meditation, work and reading, things miraculously start to look rosier again. What’s that called…. ebb and flow? Yeah, well if I’m being honest… ebb can kiss my ass. Alas, it’s progress not perfection. No shit on that note!

Okay… what was the other thing?? Oh right… It’s me. Dang namnit… it’s always me. Okay, not always, there are some real assholes out there… but mostly, yep, look in the mirror Einstein, your ego and your fear and your laziness are making everything and everyone the bad guy again. Isn’t that rich?? Ego and fear can make me quit, blame, cry, and crazy. Now that is exhausting.

It’s so much more productive and more pleasant to admit what the hell is going on and ask for help. So why is that so impossible? Well crap, because old behaviors are familiar and even comfortable…. sick as it is. It’s easier to feel those old feelings and respond accordingly than it is to keep propelling in the change. It just is. So we do the tug of war dance with our old self, and with what we’ve learned to help and heal us… and we choose. I’m grateful today that my choice, after my dance, always falls on the growth and change side, but it took a lot of time to get here. I still completely suck at allowing myself to get sucked in to the old stuff, but after some hard work, it’s shorter visits there and quicker recovery. In the end I know what to do, how to do it, what led me there, and what the healthier side looks like. I believe with how different things are today that only more good things are to come.

Never stop healing and improving upon yourself. You’re so very worth it.

 

Never Ever Ever

Here we go… One of my favorites… ALWAYS and NEVER. I always quit, I never cook, always, never, always, never. Ugh… It’s so final. Nothing is final. Do you feel me here? On a spiritual level, for sure. On an evolution level, totally. On a universal level, mmm hmmm. On an every day level, yep. Even if certain things are intellectually final, it’s still not a healthy place to reside. Saying I never cook implies that, well, I never cook. Which isn’t true in the first place, but psychologically sets me up to never learn to cook or like to cook by stating it so black and white as never. I always quit everything I’m good at. Ugh… that’s my pattern, for sure, but to state it with such finality leaves little room to change that pattern.

Two things… what we tell ourselves we generally end up believing. And what we think generally gets called into existence. So even if it is true that I normally quit things I’m good at, it would only serve me to stop talking about that in those terms. Rather saying the polar opposite in that I see things through. That is a much better place to reside in your mind.

A detrimental thing happens as we grow up… it’s so common and not what one would think as a problem, alas it is what allows us to see certain things as final. We, more times than not, get labeled or tagged as always being a certain way when we are children. Our parents talk about us with these attributes candidly as a way to sum us up. Sometimes with laughter, sometimes with frustration. But labeled with finality all the same. Think about it… in what ways were you labeled as a child? I was always late. A quitter. Terrible with money. And finally the black sheep. Guess how many of those things I carried into adulthood with me?? Yep… all of them. I’ve made conscience choices in the years since to change those things, but brought them with me I did.

It leads me to what this article is ultimately about… Let’s do always and never but let’s do it in a way that serves us by way of the universe and positivity. You feel me? I’m always successful. I’m always financially free. I’m always available to my children. I’m always an attentive wife. So, ok, there’s a finality to that too, but it’s less reckless. Those are things that we’re channeling and hoping to call into existence. Having a sense of finality in the area of positivity is not as detrimental as doing the always/never dance around things that hurt us or don’t serve us. And let’s face it, insulting or criticizing ourselves in the form of alwaysing or nevering is not just negative but toxic. It leads to more work in the self care, help, and healing arena. You bought into the negative always/nevers being thrown at you, try buying into the positive side, even if you have to fake it until you make it.

I say things every single day in the form of always that aren’t altogether true yet. But I believe them anyway. That, for the last ten years, has served me to call those things into existence OR made me much happier on my journey, rather than always making me bad and never being successful. Those lines of thinking only make life harder because negativity only breeds more of the same. It’s no different than anything else I talk about… it takes practice. The first step is not using those words at all. Replacing those words with other words altogether. No more always and never. At all. Ever. Then as things start to improve, because they will, then start adding always back in… but where it belongs. I always use the word always where it belongs. 😀

So, in conclusion, when you’re talking about yourself, get kind and get positive, because, yes, the universe is listening… but so are you.

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Check This Out

I might pop on here later today too, but HAD to do a post just for this Masterclass. Part of how I am able to share the way I do with the mindset that I have is because of finding a company and business that allows me the time and money freedom to do so.

So much on my mind today!!… All of it brilliant of course 🙂 but mainly I would like to suggest something to you. Many people message me daily to ask what it is I’m doing now… and I’ll tell you what I tell them… tune into a webinar or a masterclass, because you cannot help but get excited about what is possible! It’s contagious and thrilling at the possibilities that start jumping around in your mind.

Since joining SAN many things have happened in mine and Jay’s little world and it’s ALL amazing! The financial piece has freed up the worry piece to then focus on the growing piece. I swear…. It’s showing me things I didn’t know I was looking for. So if you’re looking too then please check this out. I promise you’ll get value out of it at the VERY least…. but maybe… just maybe change your life too. Register and add this to your calendar for Friday.

👇
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Work. Kids. Recovery. Oh My

You know… some days are just easier to balance than others, aren’t they? I swear, if you’re doing all you should be doing in rearing wonderful people, you hardly have time for anything else. If you’re doing all you should be doing to have a super successful team and business, you hardly have time for anything else. If you’re doing all you can to be physically, spiritually, and mentally fit, you hardly have time for anything else. Sooooo how on earth are we supposed to balance it all? Here’s a little mind f*ck for you…. We’re not.

Here’s what I mean… we don’t have enough hours in the day to do everything we would like to do. We just don’t. What we do have time for is scheduling, prioritizing, and doing the next right thing. Because we can’t predict the future, we do the best we can with the way things play out. That’s literally it. Easier said than done… I know I know, I agree.

Some weeks I’m extra itchy (my term for needing a meeting), some weeks my wee people are extra special (my term for them being a right pain in the ass), and some weeks the last thing I feel like doing is placing ads or sending emails. What I do in these situations is sometimes exactly the right thing to do in that given moment that you could write a god damn greeting card about it, annnnnd sometimes you’d question my level of competence at anything at all. What helps to keep me sane though is choosing. Good grief… easily my most frequently used word. Choice. But it covers a whole shit ton of areas, what can I say… But choosing what needs to go where on the calendar, which days, and for how long can make things so manageable that I did in fact question my level of intelligence prior to this concept. Because here’s what happens… the blank spots on the calendar where you get to fill it in leave a whole crap ton of opportunity for balance. If nothing is on the calendar I get to choose what is being left out of the balancing act… Will I read, sleep, eat, watch a movie with the kids, catch up on the ever exploding closets, hit a yoga class, go for a walk, check out a meeting, go on a date with hubs, or sit down with a good friend? Because, see, when you put your life in perspective of a list surrounding appointments, school commitments, meeting commitments, and more the things you get to choose to fill in the blanks can look a lot like a really nice life. Ya dig?

We put so much emphasis on the dread, things like getting to class, writing that paper, reading that chapter, going to that meeting, getting that blood draw, hitting that deadline, running those advertisements, homework, and meal prep that we forget, in comparison, life looks goooood. If your good for you list isn’t longer than your dread list than we really must regroup, reprioritize, and rebalance because that’s a problem. It’s clear evidence that we took our given choices and chose all crazy and out of order.

Some things to look at… are you trying to please too many people? Are you trying to squeeze too many things in a given day? Are you doing enough things for yourself? Are the things you’re doing for others and in a given day for the right reasons? Are you overall healthy? Are you happy? Are you stressed? A balanced life comes from looking at those questions and filling in the scheduled times as well as the blank times with the proper amount of emphasis. Sounds nice, right? It’s like anything, it takes practice. If I have a whole crap ton of work to do one week then I simply don’t go on a coffee date or get up earlier for my walk, or pay a babysitter. If after a crazy week of work I need to get the balance back then the following week I might hit an extra yoga class or have an extra coffee with another friend. See, it’s scheduling but choosing too. Knowing yourself and following through. Doing for others because that’s important too, but making sure that you, yourself are high up on the priority list. Really high.

Balance is such a sweet and healthy word. I can tell you that I have balance in my life today, completely, but it’s messy, never looks the same two days in a row, and is sometimes very heavily weighted on the selfish end. BUT because it’s not a perfect science, totally takes practice, and is going to look different for all of us, I’m ok with my balancing act work in progress status. It feels good to be working at it. It feels good that it’s producing pretty amazing small people, a mighty successful business, and a hefty amount of ever growing spirituality. So do what works for you, include yourself in all of your decision making processes, and keep rocking back and forth until you find your steady ground. It’s there.

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Be Authentically You

I wish I could clearly explain what it means to your vision of wholeness when you connect with someone who helps you find the very best version of yourself. I’m so blessed to have that in my husband, but also in finding a goddesspreneur who has helped me to express myself and live my truth authentically. For far too long I lived with masks because I let my interpretation of what society expected guide me. It was realized this week that I’ve finally come into my own. My home. My spirit. My truth. I’ve been living it for quite some time but to actually realize it and remembering witnessing its birth…. well, it’s more than monumental. It’s changed me. Yes, the change, but realizing you’re in it, that you did that (with enormous help), and that what once felt impossible is now in living color…. well, Whoa!! Just whoa.

After my perfectly poignant tarot reading the other day, I was gifted the following tarot experience in a private message. I’m sharing it here in its fullness because I think it’s so important for all of us to realize. I am finally at a place on my spiritual and emotional journey that this is how I live currently. BUT it wasn’t always the case (and still need reminding). I once felt lost and hopeless. I was broken and had all but given up. My message is clear in this matter and in relation to my last post (another words a very important message that can’t be mentioned often enough) is to don’t ever give up. Whatever image you hold in your mind for your life, your well being, your future, you can hold in your hand, your heart, your life. I promise. Just by not giving up.

TAROT  DREAM COME TRUE- Your dreams are coming true because you stayed true to your hearts desire.

Time for you to relax and take in all of the amazing events that have happened to you over the last year or so. Look back and contemplate how fast things shifted for you when you made the decision to be true to yourself and to listen to the call of your soul (WOW). Your dreams are of your soul. Your dreams are unfolding faster than ever before. Congratulations for staying true to yourself, for believing in your dreams, and for overcoming all obstacles that were in your path. This card comes to you today to remind you to keep moving forward toward the life of your dreams. It has not been an easy journey, but you are finally beginning to see how everything is connected and how all of the adversity that you faced was a part of you facing your fears and learning new ways to handle your challenges. You have made sacrifices, you have taken risks, you have faced and overcome many trying times, and you never gave up. Do not forget to take note of all that you have been through to get to this moment in time. You are learning that intention and faith combined can move mountains (WOW). When you come up against a period of slow movement, it is important for you to remember all that you have accomplished. Your dreams are unfolding because you believed in the impossible. Remember how you got here and use this information to remember all that you have accomplished. Your dreams are unfolding because you believed in the impossible. Remember how you got here and use this information to create even more beautiful possibilities for yourself.

Words they couldn’t emphasize enough…. remember, believed, accomplished, dreams, overcome, forward, possibilities.

Sigh….mmmmm… please believe this for yourself. If you aren’t where you want to be, you can be. You can be.

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Uncovering Empowerment

Empowerment is a tough topic for someone like me. Someone who has had to rebuild, start over, find myself, and gain any sense of power to speak of. The idea of empowerment was but a pipe dream. I mean the first step in recovery says, “I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable.” But there was a hidden strength in hitting bottom and finding empowerment in vulnerability. Who’d a thunk it? A continuous journey.

Empowerment is going to look a little different to everyone. I say that a lot don’t I? But it’s true. What something looks like to me might be different to you. It’s because we are all individuals, on different paths, with different goals, striving for something wonderful. How we get there is always going to be different in some ways, but empowerment is empowerment is empowerment. Let’s see if we can relate.

I’m not going to speak to empowerment from the perspective of someone emotionally and mentally healthy because I found my empowerment from a place of unwell, so that is where I will start.

Because I wore several masks in my life growing up, clear through to adulthood, I can say with almost certainty that I was not ever empowered. I was too unclear of who I was to have experienced such a thing. In all sincerity, I was so reclusive, insecure, and unsure that I made my way through my days just trying to decide which version of myself I would be. It was exhausting and confusing. Not anything remotely resembling happiness, never mind power of any kind.

So, given such a dark beginning to my emotional and spiritual life, how on earth did I come full circle (the circle continues on and on just fyi)? The answer is simple… not at all easy, but very, very simple. Surrendering. Full throttle surrendering and complete and utter transparency. My empowerment looks a lot like ugly honest acceptance of myself, continuous learning, and constantly seeking growth and change.

Empowerment is personal and inside. So much of what we project on the outside is so very contingent on the care we take on the inside. I feel empowered because I do the never ending but rewarding work of tending to the things about myself that you can’t see. Knowing that I’m gifting myself that absolutely necessary care is beyond empowering really.

Though we’re never just done working on improving ourselves, empowerment can be born in the journey. Educating ourselves, standing up for ourselves, taking care of ourselves, raising good people, being a good friend, and giving of ourselves… that’s empowerment friends. Are you empowered?

 

 

Uncomfortably Numb

Why do we do destructive things to get numb?? Whyyyyyyy?? It’s very obvious to me now… thank goodness. It’s because it prevents us from confronting our real issues head on. That sounds funny, right? I get that… but I’m telling you when you are sick or in a position to rather numb than deal that’s what that is. Four, five and 10 years ago I would rather drink than face myself. Any.Damn.Day.Of.The.Week. I often said in my many years of trying to get sober that I can put down the drink no problem, it’s living sober that’s the real issue.

Why do people relapse, continuously disappoint, and turn back to their destructive ways? It’s plain and simple really… because, believe it or not it’s so much easier! It’s easier to disappoint and apologize, recover from a hangover, make empty promises, live with regret, live with insecurity… (you feel me, right?)… than to face the music of how we got there and to fix it. We know it sucks. Like really, really sucks, but slipping back into old patterns and succumbing to the numbness is just so much easier than getting well. Getting well was, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. In fact, another thing that I often say is that I might never relapse again because learning to live sober initially sucks so incredibly. Now… would I do it again anyway? Absolutely!! The best thing I ever gave myself, my children, and my husband was my sober self, who was willing to look at herself and find an amazing life inside wellness.

The thing that we, the people who numb, don’t fully understand in the depths of our destruction is that while numb there may be no pain, but equally there can be no joy. That’s big. And true, sadly. In hindsight, all of my “joy” when drunk, drinking, or recovering was false or forced. Authentic joy, well.. and all the other emotions only became authentically me in sobriety.

What we choose to numb may seem harmless enough, even pleasurable. Sucks that what feels pleasurable in the moment is really just screwing with the quality of our life. Numbing agents take care of the surface issues lickity split, but in turn cover up the deeper troubles. Well… duh! Right? Of course. Though I can tell you that I did not know that that was what I was doing until I started doing the inside work required once you put that numbing device away. Once it’s gone you will in fact be flooded, mowed over, and bombarded with feelings. Most of them annoying and gross and too heavy to bear. It’s why in my case I seeked out a lot of outside help to see me through it. It’s in receiving that help that those very same feelings and emotions started to add vivid color to my life instead of out and out fear.

It’s a road. A long and windy road, that I can promise you. But what I can also promise is that if you see it through everything will start to make sense. It’s very powerful, but more importantly, it changes you. It is only through change can we keep the numbness from seeking us out, from patterns repeating themselves, and from returning to our previous selves.

One thing that we often aren’t willing to give this very experience is time. But time is what it takes. Wholeheartedly, you have to be willing to get through the muck to get to the good stuff. I’m telling you, it is worth the ride. I look back now and nearly laugh at my emotional ignorance, and yet am eager to continue learning more. Every time I put away a numbing agent that I was using to avoid my reality, I’ve grown. Feelings become more intense and acute, but not tragically, rather enjoyably. Now, don’t get me wrong, the things we’ve been storing up, hiding away, avoiding will come to the surface too, but with a clear mind and a new outlook, getting to the other side of that is extremely powerful too.

It is a continuous journey. Continuous. I still have things about myself that drive me bat shit crazy. Insecurities that don’t make sense to me and frustrate me to no end, but instead of getting drunk in the face of them, I seek learning and practice to overcome. It’s a bumpy road, sometimes trying, but often wonderful…. beautiful even. Avoiding numbness has given me the courage and the grace to handle even the most intense of emotions and situations today. Courage and grace. Those are words, four years ago I would never have used to describe myself. I still have so much to learn, do, and give back, but today… I’m so grateful to be unnumb.

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EFF YOU, Shame. Jus Sayin

Dunh dunh dunnnnnnnn….. We’re gonna play the shame game… Oh shame… why you know my name? I know you know what I’m talking about. That super icky feeling that no one is immune to…. that everyone has experienced even if you’re the healthiest of healthys.

Let’s clear up a lil something here, shall we? Guilt and shame are NOT the same thing. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” Huge, gigantic difference. One is healthy (though an amends probably lies in wait) and one is tragic. Shame denies us from feeling good and when you don’t feel good you cannot be yourself. And when you’re not yourself everything gets all screwed up.

Shame can make you who you think other people want you to be. Oyyyy… it can even make you pretend to be someone you’re not in an effort to hide the shame you feel. That gets very heavy very fast. All of that leads to stress, anxiety and loneliness. Oh the loneliness that shame creates…. it’s its own demon.

One way to start putting shame to bed is TO TALK ABOUT IT!! Goooood grief! Just talk about it. Easier said than done, right? I get it. It is. At first. Then there is this freedom. This beautiful shared imperfectionism. As soon as you open your mouth you’ll be greeted with not being alone…. and that is powerful beyond measure. It’s why 12 step programs and support groups work. Think about that and all of the years those have been around. They might just be on to something.

Shame comes from all different assumed sources. We assume that the way we parent is wrong, the way we dress, how we speak, what we sell, what we do in our free time…. you get my drift… Everything we do is open to judgement, I suppose, but there does not have to be shame in it. Nooooo… in fact as soon as I spilled all of my dirty laundry and came out from behind my mountain of shame my life flipped. Like crazy flipped. Like the, ‘pissed I didn’t do this sooner’ flipped. Because getting it out there finally starts the process of healing and all of what that looks like. We get so busy nurturing and coddling our shame that we never stop to think that our reasons for being ashamed are not unique. There is always… and I mean always someone out there who did it bigger and badder than you. I swear to you that your shame is not better than anyone else’s shame.

“Owning my story makes me too vulnerable and when I’m vulnerable I feel weak.” I said that to my therapist one day when I finally started talking… like really talking. Thank goodness he’s brilliant because he went right on to talk about warrior women finding strength in vulnerability. “What?!! You’re crazy!!” Well, it didn’t take me long to take to Brenee Brown and get jiggy with the idea he was preaching.

Let’s weigh it out… Shame led to isolation and little to no happiness. Getting honest and vulnerable has led to feeling worthy, finding connections, and being seen. Reeeally seen in all of my emotional nakedness. All of those things have led to healthier relationships, self love, and happiness. Hmmmm…. to carry shame or not to carry shame that is the question… Or NOT.

Being vulnerable is courageous! Keep telling yourself that everyday until you believe it because I speaka the truth. It creates this confidence because you’re showing up and getting recognized for being unapologetically you. It’s heart swellingly lovely. Brenee says that being vulnerable is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change. And THAT is where the good stuff happens. Every. Single. Time.

Never, ever, ever make decisions based on other people’s opinions. You are truly robbing yourself of your potential and greatness by living in worry and fear. There will be some bad responses sometimes, maybe some consequences, but the good will outweigh the bad because you’re living shamelessly. That’s already a win. So then you can just do that stick out your tongue and blow thing at the people that bring the bad. Vulnerability will offer you clarity that transcends into kindness and generosity. What’s great is that it’s not just to other people, it is often kindness to yourself too. There’s another change right there, huh?

Let’s eliminate shame. It’s possible. We can’t change the past. Move on. Leave it there and look forward. Shame feeds on three things; secrecy, judgement, and silence. Brenee tells us in Daring Greatly that empathy is the anecdote. When someone gets ugly honest with you, relate to them. Empathize with their pain, their situation. It’s the cure. There’s a cure! Remarkable!

Be vulnerable, focus on what you want, be mindful, and dance like no one is watching. Speak lovingly to yourself….. you’re listening. Think beautifully….. thoughts become things. And then give shame the finger and a big EFF YOU!