Today I was talking with a friend and feeling very frustrated. I originally started with blaming outside things… but no no, worry not… it was and is always me. My frustration stemmed first from my character defects presenting themselves strongly on this particular occasion, which led to then being frustrated that I was unable to keep my defects from surfacing. What a debacle, right?
So let’s talk. Two things come to mind. We are never, not ever, done working to improve ourselves. And two, whenever our panties are in a neat little knot there is a very good chance we are to blame. Damnit! Right? I hear you!
When you’re undoing things from your past, or are in recovery, or are striving for change there is a journey there that we wish had an ending place… at least I do… or that’s how I behave anyway. So here we are undoing behaviors that, for all intents and purposes, are ingrained in us… strongly and hoping that when addressed and counseled just, poof, disappear. If only. The unfortunate truth is that it will probably take just as long to undo as it was actively ugly. SO…. we do things daily to gently remind ourselves to stay the course. Exhausting, no? Well no because it’s better. It just is. Some days it’s just harder. Harder but doable.
If you’re anything like me then you have a very good “forgetter”…. I can ride high for 2 or 3 weeks after a therapy or life coaching session because in those sessions I am reminded that I am not my past, that the work I’m doing is working magic, and I’m on a beautiful path. BUT after a couple few weeks I start to forget if I’m not doing the things that most benefit me, and I’m off… right back into old thinking. Sigh…. It makes me bat shit that it’s still there. I’ll have my wee pity party of why do I even bother if this is where my head is going to go eventually anyway??… And then when the party ends (which usually means telling on myself to a trusted friend) and I get back on course with meditation, work and reading, things miraculously start to look rosier again. What’s that called…. ebb and flow? Yeah, well if I’m being honest… ebb can kiss my ass. Alas, it’s progress not perfection. No shit on that note!
Okay… what was the other thing?? Oh right… It’s me. Dang namnit… it’s always me. Okay, not always, there are some real assholes out there… but mostly, yep, look in the mirror Einstein, your ego and your fear and your laziness are making everything and everyone the bad guy again. Isn’t that rich?? Ego and fear can make me quit, blame, cry, and crazy. Now that is exhausting.
It’s so much more productive and more pleasant to admit what the hell is going on and ask for help. So why is that so impossible? Well crap, because old behaviors are familiar and even comfortable…. sick as it is. It’s easier to feel those old feelings and respond accordingly than it is to keep propelling in the change. It just is. So we do the tug of war dance with our old self, and with what we’ve learned to help and heal us… and we choose. I’m grateful today that my choice, after my dance, always falls on the growth and change side, but it took a lot of time to get here. I still completely suck at allowing myself to get sucked in to the old stuff, but after some hard work, it’s shorter visits there and quicker recovery. In the end I know what to do, how to do it, what led me there, and what the healthier side looks like. I believe with how different things are today that only more good things are to come.
Never stop healing and improving upon yourself. You’re so very worth it.