I’m going to be back later today or tomorrow with something new but I wanted to post something I came across that I had written from a few months ago. It’s one of those things that I like to do… keep what I battle with fresh in my mind so that I’m continuously working on the things daily that keep me healthy, happy and the demon at bay. Yes, depression, one of my demons. It’s never representative of who I am, but something that I own, as to know it is to know me better.
Keeping it real…. here’s the other side of what I preach.
Keep it positive they said. No one wants a Debbie Downer they said. I don’t disagree with that but that’s just not my reality. If I’m going to preach anything it’s going to be authenticity and authentically… I’m dowwwwn. The kind of funk where taking a shower and getting dressed for the day is too much to ask. The kind where you schedule your entire day of responsibilities around giving you the absolute most time for reclusiveness. The kind where someone’s caring words or the right song turn on the water works. The kind that you can’t pinpoint exactly why this is happening but are just certain that your life is far too big to manage…. how can one person run a home, a business, homework times 3, meals, laundry, therapy appts and hospital stays, billpaying, grocery shopping, broken cars and doing it all mediocre at best and not feeling like an absolute failure? The kind of down where you do whatever you can to bump into the least amount of people possible. Yep. Hi. That’s me.
Unfortunately this is something I battle month after month, year after year. Something that I own… begrudgingly… still… at this point. When in it I find it hard to swallow that this is it. That this is how I’m built and does it mean I’m broken…. Why? Why can’t I just be happy most of the time? Full and energetic, grateful and harmonious? Alas, I’m not…. not always. Luckily my mind works in such a way that I KNOW what to do. I KNOW who I truly am. I KNOW that the depths of my kind, generous, and jubilant heart will prevail, but try as I might there is nothing I can do with my authentic self when she finds herself waning and finding comfort in the dark. The comfy, cozy, escaping dark. The kind of dark that hints it’s way in with extreme cleaning and organizing… organizing exteriorly bc inside I’m falling apart. I know what helps and I know everyone means well by saying pray, exercise, eat right, talk about it, go to a meeting, call your therapist, take a bath, go for walk, or mediate… that will help… but to me, when I’m in it that all sounds like the heaviest suggestions possible. How do I do everything and anything exactly opposite of what I’m feeling capable of? Impossible.
Be positive. Stay strong. Channel what you want and need. What we think we become….. I’ll find myself there eventually. I always do. It’s what I believe. But someone struggling with anxiety, depression, or an ism… at least this someone… knows that it just has to run its course. Something or someone always brings me back to the surface and I can count on that. I’ve been to the darkest of darks and this is never that anymore. It’s become a part of me… again I’ll say begrudgingly… alas I know there’s another side to it. The brighter side. This too shall pass. It’s become my body’s forced break. Time out. My whoa button. This rainy, dark and dreary day is making the tears come easy and will likely speed up the cleansing process. Though today is filled with grey tomorrow will likely yield to something brighter.