All that Glitters is not Gold…. Or Maybe it is

I’m going to get back to the ancestral lineage lingo soon, but had to pop on here today to talk about perspective. It just keeps coming up for me this week. I mean, if we’re honest, we’re offered opportunity to shift our perspective constantly. We just might need a gentle reminder, right? Totally.

I think that depending on several things, the way we were conditioned, how we tend to roll, maybe it’s a character defect, maybe we’re happier in the negative, maybe it just doesn’t ever cross our mind, we forget to look at something from a different angle to have a different feeling about it. It’s really quite powerful. It made me think today about how stuck on a given situation I can get just by rolling with the definition I, myself, gave it. Bummer, right? I mean, I so often look at the pros and cons of other people’s situations, yet can get really stuck in my wallowing on my own. What a drag. I vow to become more aware of this.

So yesterday I told my middle two kiddos that they could make some slime. I somehow, someway was convinced that given this specific YouTube video they had seen, that glitter was an absolute must. Sigh. So we made the slime and it was a huge success, texture wise (I don’t know if you have kids that like making slime but it is not an exact science and many attempts are usually required), but it has glitter in it. That should really be enough said, but just in case you’re not aware, just by owning a bottle of glitter, just by it being in your house, you will start to find specs of it everywhere. Never-freaking-mind applying it somewhere, having had the bottle open. So, yes it’s in the slime, and it’s really sort of cool BUT it’s also EVERYWHERE!!! Floor, couches, coffee tables, my shoulder, my cheek, on the books, and in the bathroom. You catch my drift, right? It’s like herpes, it spreads everywhere.

So, I voiced my frustration on Facebook, and was presented with the idea that instead of looking at it like the most giant nuisance on the planet, and something you would only wish on your worst enemy, to rather look at it like it’s decorating your life, reminding you to sparkle and of your childhood craft projects. WHAT? Brilliant! It, literally, immediately made me smile and look at the whole thing differently. I am all about a little sparkle.

Let’s look at where else this can apply… ummm ery where!! Grocery store line. Is the line moving slow or are you supposed to have time to respond to that text message to your son? Hunh? Is is rush hour or do you have a few extra minutes to finish that conversation with your husband while you inch along? Ya dig?

I’ve had an enormous opportunity to apply perspective lately with my work. Am I failing at it or do I simply not have any interest in that field at all? That’s a blog post all on it’s own… but my point is that we can get stuck. Literally stuck on a line of thinking that can really affect us negatively when, almost always, there’s going to be another way to look at it. The best possible way to look at it is from a place of you. How do you need to look at this to make it okay? And if it makes it okay for you, is it right? So another words are you making excuses, justifications, staying stuck in old patterns? Or if you’re okay with it is it because you’ve really looked at it and without pause it’s just not your jam?

I know for me that I must look at my part in it and decide if I’m running from something. I must talk it over with the hubs and, with complete humility, come to an answer. And then look at it from an angle of providing for and happiness…. for me the two must go hand in hand. And then own it… no matter what it looks like, owning that shit. As long as what I’m seeking comes from a place of authenticity and pursuit and not giving up then owning it is easy.

Look at things today through a lens that works for you… your lens, analyze it briefly to be sure that it’s a healthy lens, and then go with it proudly. Perspective is a choice, one that can hinder or help you, but always look at things through more than one lens…. perspective. It makes things better. It just does.


What Might Become My Life’s Work

It’s time to finally start talking about the tough topics… yeah… I address many, and to be honest, some of the toughest topics to discuss aren’t tough for me at all. I think it’s necessary for living authentically. I don’t have the patience for anything else anymore. My truth is my truth. It’s some ugly and some beautiful and the balance is awesome. It was when I started getting honest that my life started to look how I imagined it might. Things began to open up, and everything started to make sense.

There’s an area that I don’t address much and that area is family. Dun dun dun…. It’s a tough one. If I’m being authentic then I would talk about how my family dynamic growing up affected my… well… everything, and yet it’s tough because my intention would not at all be to hurt them. I struggle with it enormously. Especially since what I think I want to focus on in my work is clearing and healing ancestral lineage (or breaking the cycle of family dysfunction). I am so beyond passionate about shit starting over with me. Boom! Taking what I’ve known having been passed down from generations to attribute to my crazy and change it as to STOP the cycle with my children… and me (reconditioned). If I accomplish nothing else but that in my lifetime then I will feel it a success. If my legacy is that I helped to change the unhealthy and emotionally damaging dynamics that I was raised with as to offer my children a chance for a healthier and a more spiritually filled existence then YAY me! For real.

I know… I know… there’s always something. I’m for reeeeal for real not perfect, so if not what I was raised with then certainly something will offer them an opportunity to do the same thing one day… have a need for reconditioning. Who knows. But I am learning so many things in which to raise my babies with (and without) some of the things that I found damaging. I have to believe that it’s beneficial. Screw that, I know that it is.

When I look at where I came from it’s easy not to blame because, although I hate this sentence, my parents did the best they could with what they knew, I know that and I believe that. They had to come from somewhere too and where they came from was very much the same. Just repeating patterns for living that were taught to them. We are a part of an intense generation. The research, the medicine, the law, the self discovery, the diversity of everything… including spirituality… we are just becoming a more unique, individual, taking the road less traveled by society. If something is broke, we fix it, rather than just do what our parents did. It is by far the most major difference of today in speaking of this type of thing. My father was raised in a gruff and unemotional household so it never occurred to him to pursue another way to be. It wasn’t what was done then. It was almost expected, I think. Ancestors pass down recipes, traditions, and emotional sickness and it was just expected that we follow suit.

I think my particular generation had several uncommunicative parents. Meaning there was a LOT of under rug sweeping. Let’s just keep quiet about this as to avoid it altogether. Never happened. From a very, very young age I was horrible about handling emotionally driven times, even the death of grandparents, because I didn’t know how. I had no idea how. In 8th grade I’d already had a couple of break ups, because I looked to boyfriends to make me feel worthy, and had been bullied off and on since 5th grade. How I handled this was not to talk about it, no no, but to hibernate in my room, that was in the basement no less, and write poetry about killing myself. In 8th grade. It was very dark and lonesome times.

I think I’m going to be able to do a couple of articles on this topic. Maybe several. So for today let’s leave off with some healing thoughts. We aren’t our ancestors, we aren’t our past, we aren’t ruined. If your history has a little pain and dysfunction sprinkled all about it, try not to worry. Recognizing it is huge in and of itself. What you do about it, well that’s the most important thing, but recognizing it is first and necessary. And then accepting that it’s unacceptable is next. Healing begins with the realization that we have the power to break the cycle and be authentically ourselves. It comes down to that word I use so often…. choice. We have to choose that we want to do things differently. Choose what we want our lives to look like. Choose to make new traditions and choose what might be deemed as the less popular path because that is what speaks to us. In the end, what it really comes down to is being present, really here in the present moment as to be your most authentic self, but finding your path for healing your lineage and your subconscious mind. We’ll talk more about all of this next time. Much love.


Beyond Reiki

The power of finding your calling. I mean, it’s a real thing. My passions are many, and man do they run the gamete… How does one decide what they’re supposed to spend their entire life doing when that’s the case? In all honesty I’m really struggling with this. It’s a luxury problem for sure, but pinpointing what you want to pursue as to help the masses but also make good business decisions… It’s confusing. I’m confused.

I received my first Reiki (energy healing) treatment about 15 years ago and was immediately moved. I think partying and insecurity surely got in my way of pursuing it back then, but it definitely impacted me. I’ve thought about it since but again, the timing must not have been right to look into it further. Which leads me to about 3 weeks ago…. I had an energy session done that I’m still thinking about. I was sure, then and there, that energy work is absolutely something that I’m supposed to be doing. And it was like a weight off in a sense. A massive “Ah Ha” moment! This is what speaks to me. This is my destiny. I am in constant aww as to what our bodies are capable of and have witnessed first hand the power in the hand… our body’s energy. I sigh at this. It moves me.

Heeeere’s where I get caught up though… Grrrrr…. I sometimes will not relinquish control and just give it over to the skies to decide… and start thinking too damn much. I go right into, “what about affiliate marketing? I like that. It’s definitely helping me pay the bills. It’s easy. Okay, yes, I’ll keep doing that. Totally.” Then I start spinning about how much I desire giving a voice to depression, eating disorders, alcoholism, raising a child with special needs, and branding myself as a writer and author online. I so much want to help people in those areas, somehow… someway. BUT I get very overwhelmed very fast about what that entails, because, if I’m being honest, there is a LOT of things I have yet to learn to get that up and running. THEREin lies my fear. Is not knowing what I need to know my excuse for not moving forward? And is it because of fear of failure or success, OR am I really just that lazy and expectant to have things just fall in my lap? Seeeeriously….

Ugh… welcome to my brain. I want to be fulfilled but don’t really want to work to be so. Noooo, that’s not it. Time… it’s time. I don’t have enough time to sit and learn and watch and read and study. Nooo, that’s not it. Mindset… it’s my damn mindset. I doubt myself too much, am sure that I will make past mistakes, and don’t trust that people want to hear what I have to say. Hmmmm…. that could be it a little bit. Crap. Fear… surely it’s fear. Success or failure will bring with it change and other unknown emotions that are, well, unknown. So, yeah, fear is underlying there I imagine, almost for sure.

So let’s talk about these things and how they can screw up any chance of success and service to others you dream about. Pleasant thought, right. Well….. I swear, in all of my reading and research the thing that keeps coming up, of late, is past conditioning. What a crap hand to be dealt. I mean, I am so conditioned that shit hits the fan or I quit or I fail or that change will hurt others that I have been stuck in a spiral of not succeeding for all my life. Can you believe that? Yes, I know, I’m an adult, I am responsible for myself and actions of today. Totally agree. Doesn’t change the fact that knowing why and what isn’t completely necessary to move forward. So much of our self sabotaging comes from a subconscious place and we can’t acknowledge until we understand it. So that is one of my main focuses today. How did I get here and how, on a conscious level, do I address it? It’s helping, working.

Being a positive person is brilliant. I can find the positive side to almost any situation at all times. It’s a thing, a gift maybe, but we’re talking surface. It is easy for me to be positive on the surface. What I see and feel I generally understand and can get positive around all the time and eventually. It’s the silent, underneath chatter that is keeping me stagnant. So even though I might be saying one thing, in all it’s upbeat and positive glory, at the exact same time, underneath and subconsciously I’m saying, “nope, not me, I can’t, I never have, now isn’t any different, I will always……” Imagine. But that’s a real thing for me. It’s not intentional, in fact, it sucks balls, but my subconscious is strong and not going down without a fight. I do fight it and believe that my conscious fight will win for sure, but it takes consistency. My mindset is strong and very determined, knows what it wants and knows ways to change it. It’s only a matter of time before I kick old conditionings ass completely into oblivion. It’s getting weaker so anytime now really.

Fear is a straight pain in the ass thing. It presents itself in all sorts of different ways and is very sneaky at that. If I can continue to turn my fear of hard work, failure or success, and what is yet to come into love… love of life, prosperity, and myself well then the world just completely opens up. I’m tired. I’m tired of the way things “used to be.” My passions are too great to be stifled. I believe that my path will be laid out before me, I just need to stay the course, stay positive, fill full up with love, and keep doing the work. I have so much to give and only want to do just that.

What are some ways you propel yourself out of stagnation? Today I’m staying consistent. I’m filling my mind with mind reading and positive affirmations. If there’s one thing I preach it’s consistency and fake it till you make it. I will affirmation myself into believing through. It’s a real thing.

If there’s one thing I know for sure and witness all of the time it’s that if your mindset is working for you and not against you, you can truly move mountains. Believe.

What No One Sees

Can we get honest here for a minute… (you know… sort of my MO) about parenting and running a household… and in recovery… Damn… I’m no martyr but shit is hard and I’m whooping it’s ass! Well, mostly and sorta kinda. Some days are darker than others but the sun always comes out eventually. If I’m going to preach honesty, though, allow me to say that parenting and doing life sober is tough as shit!

So let’s talk about the stuff that no one ever sees. The dishes, the dust bunnies, the random toys, crafts, school art projects, clothes, coats, shoes, bags, mail, groceries… ALL of the shit has to find a home inside our homes, right? That in and of itself is a conquest. Oh yes it is. Apparently I also believe in aiming low at some things as to have plenty of celebrations in my life. ūüėÄ You’ll find I have a lot of those areas. Aim for mediocrity as to create less work. Ugh… but a little true. So, yeah, where’s my medal for finding a home for little tiny clothes pins that my daughter thought she just had to have to do a project. Or what about the ONE MILLION Legos that my boy children think are never enough. The struggle is real, ya’ll. Why do you think that there are thousands of organizational receptacles and professions geared towards such? Because that shit’s hard.

Do not get me started about cooking. Again, aim low, friends. Saves you an enormous amount of time. I joke, but last night when I made rice noodles, popcorn chicken, and strawberries, presented it to my child on a paper plate and he said, “whoa… it’s like a five star restaurant” you feel good inside. ūüėÄ I think cooking takes up an enormous amount of time, because not only do you need to prep, cook, plate, and clean up, but then you need to beg and barter with some of your children for upwards of a half hour to even put a piece of said meal in their face hole. Where’s my medal for not shoving it down their face hole at least 3 times a week? I like to cook. The way I’ve parented around food and the way my kids eat has made me hate to cook. Meal time…. that shit’s hard.

Wanna dish about laundry for a hot minute?? I somehow, someway, one day found my groove thang but for years upon years the laundry made it to the washer and the dryer and that was it. I spent years picking out clean clothes for the kids to wear from a mixed up basket of everyone’s things, swearing the entire time about what bull shit laundry was, throwing it in the dryer to get the wrinkles out and handing it over to them to get ready for school. Yep, years. She who keeps such a tidy house… well, don’t ever open the laundry room closet… it was a hurricane…. the opposite of tidy. Now I try to dry, fold and the kids put away. It’s an every other day thing and I completely hate it because there is nothing not time consuming about it, but I find the time and make it snappy. Now there’s still a gigantic basket of socks on top of the dryer that they fend for themselves for daily because ain’t noooo body got time for that crap.

Homework and work work…. C’mon, who’s with me on this?? I work from home which is a complete luxury, I do not ever take this for granted, but working around the door bell, the pop ins, the littlest one needing to eat, play, have a therapy sesh or bathe, and phone calls… gooood grief, it can feel like I’ve worked a 15 hour day some days because I’m squeezing in actual work that I get paid for in between the work that I don’t. And then… AND THEN the big kids get home from school with more work that they need my help working on! Jeeeesus! Where’s my gold frickin medal damnit?!! That shit’s hard.

Ah… raising a baby with special needs. Let’s chitty chit chat about that. First I must mention the near or total PTSD that comes with the intense fear of having a baby that is struggling to stay with you in the beginning. I can’t pretend to explain that fully. It’s beyond terrifying and horrible. The tests that they put the teeniest tiniest little being through, the waiting for the results from those tests, those tests not resulting in a diagnosis, the waiting for a diagnosis. Oh my lands…. it’s all impossible to bear. Then comes the diagnosis…. but not before an insane amount of medical intervention just so your child can live on… The processing of the diagnosis… hearing it for the first time, the research, the tears, the emotion. Oy vey! Just that. No words. After the diagnosis you hear things like, “utilize your resources.” Do you know what that has meant for us? Geneticists, surgeons, multiple pediatricians, dietitians, endocrinologists, physical therapists, speech therapists, orthopedists, specialists, xray techs, annnd injections…. daily…. since he was 4 months old. Whew!!! And that’s all so that he can live a “typical” life. Worth it? Totally… balls out totally worth it. He’s amazing and has made me a better person. He’s hilarious and generous with his love. He’s a little piece of heaven here on earth and I’m blessed to be his momma, through and through. Doesn’t change the fact that he is completely high maintenance and time consuming. That’s what we’re talking about here. Fitting all of life into life. A huge part of my day is being a good momma to this needy little love. That shit’s hard.

Staying emotionally fit, spiritually fit, and sober (I disclude physically fit because I’ve yet to wrangle that one). Now there’s some monsters right there! My answer for everything used to be to throw a bottle of wine at it. No joke. Let me just get through this here day and top it off with a couple of bottles (or box… not picky) of vino. That worked for a while but it’s very, very difficult to grow into yourself emotionally or spiritually when you’re numbing yourself with the sauce. And those other things became important to me. Okay okay so it wasn’t as profound as all that… I had to hit a rock solid bottom that had a couple of trap doors, and I had to hit it hard. Really really face plant. But what came from that was a seeking for spiritual and emotional growth that has changed my life. But that, my friends, that shit is hard. Freaking, freaking hard. Living life on life’s terms and not my bottle’s? Not even in the realm of easy. Meetings, therapy, energy work, reading, studying, praying, writing, talking and doing. That in and of itself could fill up a day. Sober is hard if your body and mind have a different plan. Fighting that shit is tough, but possible and beautiful. Freaking amazing really.

So this is getting long for me so let’s wrap it up… what have we discovered here?? That choose a topic, choose a life task and break it down. Just doing that one thing well could straight fill up a whole day, right? I’ve talked about this before in reference to balance but I just want to be really clear here. Doing life on it’s terms, with any sort of grace is a full throttle lot to ask. And we do it. We do it. Some days we knock that shit out of the damn park and some days we’re lucky that the house is still standing, but I guess that’s my point. We need to be gentle with ourselves. There is nothing about life in general that is easy and doing it even a titch well is big, often really big and really heavy. But we’re doing it. We’re learning about ourselves, trying extra hard to see that our children won’t need therapy later in life (or rather working really hard to help pay for their therapy later in life), and deciding at the end of each day how we might be a wee bit better tomorrow. It’s really all it’s really about…. not being better than anyone else, but better than the person we were the day before. That’s it. If you’re anything like me, it really helps to dumb that shit down that way. If I’m not trying to complete never ending lists, or achieve things that aren’t ready for me yet, or or or, but rather just aim to be a little better than I was yesterday it all seems a little more doable and a little less daunting. And in this here little world we live in that is full up of bull shit hard living… that is enough. You are enough. Say that today and everyday until you believe it. The rest will fall into place.

Total Eclipse of the Energy

I think it only fair that we talk about the eclipse that’s happening today… Everyone is all cray cray. As they should be… It’s a big deal, right? I mean, something that only happens once in a lifetime (for the most part) is a pretty big (gigantic) deal.

There is the visual perspective for sure. It’s going to change the light of day and confuse the birds and the bees. That’s amazing

There’s the science of it all. Which I won’t pretend to know too much about, just that it’s incredible the way all of the planets move, revolve, and coordinate with each other to allow us something to study and problem solve and then be amazed by. My kids have thoroughly enjoyed learning about this day since school began.

But let’s talk about the part that I’m so enthralled by. How all of this affects our body, our energy, our emotions, and how that affects our life. Eclipses as a whole solidify an energy in the air for an extended period of time after the fact. The eclipse occurs at a “hotspot” of Leo energy where the star Regulus resides. I’m telling you this because Regulus is a warrior star that has a headstrong and righteous energy to it. Because this inspired energy can guide you, it’s important to help the energy rather be guided by you. Really understand this. Be intentional.

The warrior energy will solidify an inspiration in everyone. The conviction, headstrong energy and electric thinking can power people for all their greatness but could also be interpreted to lead to chaos as well. Hence the importance for awareness. The eclipse will instill fire and electricity in people, warrior energy that will inspire good/bad, clear minded and confused. Be intentional.

For example, in all of my energy work this month “burn” and “fire” have come up a lot. A LOT. Burning away past selves or a fire being lit inside of me to pursue my passions, for examples. So to utilize the eclipse with intention I am going to ritualize burning a piece of paper with all of the things that I am ridding myself of written on that paper. I’m going to do that before 2pm today as an offering to the eclipse to set those things in motion of leaving me for good. I trust that the energy held in place from the eclipse for months to come will be that of blossoming in the positive, having rid the negative.

I realize that not everyone buys into this line of thinking. I can respect that. But I would ask what the harm would be in lassoing some of your energy up to give over to a “what if?” I mean, it’s just a thought of goodness or positivity to test the waters so to say. Channel the eclipse with intention and maybe, just maybe you see a shift in your life. Certainly can’t hurt to try. At this time in this country it sure couldn’t hurt to have a whole lot of people sending an energy filled message up to the stars to have the eclipse energize and send back to us in the form of righteous healing. Just think about it. That’s all I’m asking.

I hope your day is wonderful. For this time in our life is precious, important, monumental. Something like an eclipse that only happens once every 99 years makes this day a whole lot of very special. Take that in and harness it. Be present, be amazed, be amazing.

Let Go without Letting Go

So holy crapola face… Yeah… that’s how I talk sometimes… :p I need to fill you in on something that is happening to me since my 11 year old started middle school.

I have been spending the entire length of my time as a momma doing my absolute best to raise good people, while simultaneously shielding them from the world without helicopter parenting. Impossible, right? Yeah… I know. Well, turns out there is very good reason for this.

I was bullied terribly in middle school. So bad that I carried it allllll the way into adulthood. Gahhhd… if I could have told those girls then how damaging their treatment would be, I have to believe that they would have at least thought twice, but it ruined any chance of self esteem, self worth or security that I ever had a chance of having. And because of the generation maybe, I didn’t talk about it, I suffered (like really suffered) in silence and what little my parents did know, they had no idea how to help me. It was the most miserable time in my life and that is saying something. I think I’m able to say it was the most miserable now simply because of how it resonated all over the damn space of my life. It’s also why I am who I am today so it can come full circle, but fuckin A… it sucked hard.

I was afraid every single day. Every day. I never knew what to expect, I couldn’t eat, I dreamed about moving and starting over, I never, ever knew who to trust, I had a constant stomach ache, I had anxiety that I titled my “breathing thing” that made me think I was dying so the anxiety just got worse, I took out my emotions on my siblings and parents, wrote poetry about suicide and plotted how I would do it, then had an anxiety attack because I was too much of a coward to follow through. Oh. My. God. I would not ever go back to that time in my life if you paid me One Billion dollars. No joke. Not even a hint of a funny. No way, no how. Traumatized for life.

Now I’m raising small people and they have to go to middle school. Fuck. They just do. I took Char to orientation a couple of weeks ago and was flooded… I mean flooded with emotions. I was not prepared for how my innate self took over. I went immediately back in time and was a hot mess…. (he would have never known it, it was all about him and I made sure he knew it, but inside I was faaahreeeeaking out). Not a clue that that’s how I would respond. Just wild. Caught me completely off guard.

Well, just over a week ago I sent him off to his first day of the dreaded middle school and I am losing it. I have been so hard on him. If he could just make sure he does this, this, that, and that correctly, maybe, just maybe he won’t get bullied. It has been toxic and I think (fingers crossed) has come full circle. I still have some work to do, clearly, it’s largely why I’m writing this, but I had an honest conversation with him the other day. I had to apologize to him and explain. I have some letting go to do… his path is his path, not mine. I can take what I’ve learned and help to guide him but he has to pave his way. And he will. I cannot control his outcome (much as I’d like to)…

I think the hardest part is that I see so much of me in him… he’s sure of himself but insecure, smart, handsome, and polite and even in the face of over all mostly goodness, I still got bullied… no one is immune and it scares me to death. I think life is just so very complicated enough. I think that there is enough in the world to go through to try to find yourself, your meaning, your way, that being afraid and bullied in addition to that is just cruel, and my heart hurts at the prospect of it. It just does.

I really am trying not to project on to a situation that doesn’t even exist, I’m trying to let the healing path that I’ve traveled for the last several years come to the surface to help me get through this weird visceral reaction, and to of course be there in a healthy way for my wee ones on their very own journeys.

It’s a learning experience for certain. One I wasn’t planning on. We went from being sore at each other to coming to some sort of bond out of this whole emotional mess of a couple of weeks. He got to know me a little bit better and I got to hold him tighter while at the same time releasing him just a touch.

I said I would never try to live through my kids, I’ve been a kid, been there done that, what they do in their childhood is theirs. I will be there to support them through it all with as much love, drive, pushing, punishing, and guidance that they need. But I also have to change the fact that I thought I knew anything about anything because if this caught me off guard just imagine what is yet to come. Oy vey! I could fear it and dread it and try to shelter them from having any experiences like my own, but I’m not going to.

The moral of the story, truly, is to just let go. Let go of the past. Let go of controlling outcomes. Let go of needing to do it just right. Let go of knowing what you think you know. Be present, be aware, be available and love. Just love em up entirely because that conquers a whole, whole lot of shit in the face of life and all her shit.

Healing. Yeah, Healing

I have to talk about this, but bear with me because it just happened on Friday so I’m still processing and reeling some, if I’m being honest…. I’m not sure I can make sense of it in words… but I’m going to try.

First let’s talk about all of the things that we can do to aid and assist in our well being. I talk a LOT about recovery, mental, and emotional health, right? Well, what works for some might be different than what works for others. What is really cool is that as we evolve we might find that to be true even inside our own journey. So for example, therapy worked for me for years. I mean years. It kept me hungry to continue to seek inside my “why I am the way I am.” And there was a lot of growth in that. Though I’m not nearly done with that I’m finding my help in other ways today. Finding myself through energy healing, tarot, and spiritual guidance is nearly knocking my socks off. Yep… my outer princess has found her inner hippie and it’s awwwwsome! Though really, she’s always been there. It is amazing and even that word seems menial. I cannot believe the things I’m learning, how it’s leading to an enormous amount of healing and taking ownership, and how the amount of self awareness, care, and love are exploding. Oh my gosh… I just have no clue how to express that.

I still find crazy importance in keeping my foot inside meetings, surrounding myself with soulful people, the outdoors, yoga, meditation, rest, and reading books for the mind, but there can be absolutely no discounting in what our bodies are built for and designed to do. The energy that our bodies possess is beyond fathomable. I’ve always believed in the law of attraction but what I’m learning about how my own body’s energy can work for itself is mind blowing. I always liked the idea, thought it was cool, but just looked on at it as it would never work for me…. not for my level of crazy. But once I went all in on the belief factor, realized my crazy was not unique, and practiced it with a “there’s no way in can hurt to try” mentality I was astounded by the results, and kind of pissed actually that I didn’t go all in sooner.

What’s so important about not getting stagnant or afraid to try less conventional things is that there is always more to discover. I learned something on Friday that goes hand in hand with something I’ve been working on, is actually a piece of it that I never considered, that literally blew my mind as well as made my path much more clear. Wow! Right?! Different people, different ideas, different methods…. don’t rule anything out. Now, I could also say that you shouldn’t overwhelm yourself. There is such a thing as too much. If what I was doing right now wasn’t along the same plane I might pull back in one area as to make sure I’m getting all the value I can, but in the same breath, I’ll say, don’t limit yourself. What is speaking to me has to do with the sun and the stars, mother nature, self energy, and more. What may speak to you could be meds, bicycling, and going to bed early…. right? So it’s all going to be a myriad of combinations for each of us because we’re all individuals with different stories. What makes us the same is that we should find our combo. It’s important to have one. There isn’t a one of us that shouldn’t be helping ourselves be the very best version of ourselves. Once we’re inside of that journey the outside journey sort of just presents itself.

Can I just tell you that in doing this kind of inside work, making new choices, and really honing in on what has made me feel broken all of these years is making it crystal clear what my life’s work is meant to be. I mean WOW right?!! I’ve always agreed with that being said and suggested to me, but even though the path I have been paving was in fact helping me, it was in being open to less conventional things that truly spoke (dare I say screamed) to me. It fit, it resonated, it glowed, and burned…… inside of me. I cannot express how that makes the recovery evolve… when you find your jam. Fo realz! F*ck… I feel like I’m holding back some how!! It’s so hard to explain. ūüėģ ūüėČ Gahhh…. I’m in awe of where my life is going. All just for being open, honest, and willing.

I will hope, pray, and channel, always, for you to find this feeling. Don’t ever stop looking for it.

Find me on Facebook and Youtube. And join me in business…. it’s in choosing this line of work that led me to where I’m going. Crazy but true.


Ebb (grrrr) and Flow

Today I was talking with a friend and feeling very frustrated. I originally started with blaming outside things… but no no, worry not… it was and is always me. My frustration stemmed first from my character defects presenting themselves strongly on this particular occasion, which led to then being frustrated that I was unable to keep my defects from surfacing. What a debacle, right?

So let’s talk. Two things come to mind. We are never, not ever, done working to improve ourselves. And two, whenever our panties are in a neat little knot there is a very good chance we are to blame. Damnit! Right? I hear you!

When you’re undoing things from your past, or are in recovery, or are striving for change there is a journey there that we wish had an ending place… at least I do… or that’s how I behave anyway. So here we are undoing behaviors that, for all intents and purposes, are ingrained in us… strongly and hoping that when addressed and counseled just, poof, disappear. If only. The unfortunate truth is that it will probably take just as long to undo as it was actively ugly. SO…. we do things daily to gently remind ourselves to stay the course. Exhausting, no? Well no because it’s better. It just is. Some days it’s just harder. Harder but doable.

If you’re anything like me then you have a very good “forgetter”…. I can ride high for 2 or 3 weeks after a therapy or life coaching session because in those sessions I am reminded that I am not my past, that the work I’m doing is working magic, and I’m on a beautiful path. BUT after a couple few weeks I start to forget if I’m not doing the things that most benefit me, and I’m off… right back into old thinking. Sigh…. It makes me bat shit that it’s still there. I’ll have my wee pity party of why do I even bother if this is where my head is going to go eventually anyway??… And then when the party ends (which usually means telling on myself to a trusted friend) and I get back on course with meditation, work and reading, things miraculously start to look rosier again. What’s that called…. ebb and flow? Yeah, well if I’m being honest… ebb can kiss my ass. Alas, it’s progress not perfection. No shit on that note!

Okay… what was the other thing?? Oh right… It’s me. Dang namnit… it’s always me. Okay, not always, there are some real assholes out there… but mostly, yep, look in the mirror Einstein, your ego and your fear and your laziness are making everything and everyone the bad guy again. Isn’t that rich?? Ego and fear can make me quit, blame, cry, and crazy. Now that is exhausting.

It’s so much more productive and more pleasant to admit what the hell is going on and ask for help. So why is that so impossible? Well crap, because old behaviors are familiar and even comfortable…. sick as it is. It’s easier to feel those old feelings and respond accordingly than it is to keep propelling in the change. It just is. So we do the tug of war dance with our old self, and with what we’ve learned to help and heal us… and we choose. I’m grateful today that my choice, after my dance, always falls on the growth and change side, but it took a lot of time to get here. I still completely suck at allowing myself to get sucked in to the old stuff, but after some hard work, it’s shorter visits there and quicker recovery. In the end I know what to do, how to do it, what led me there, and what the healthier side looks like. I believe with how different things are today that only more good things are to come.

Never stop healing and improving upon yourself. You’re so very worth it.


Never Ever Ever

Here we go… One of my favorites… ALWAYS and NEVER. I always quit, I never cook, always, never, always, never. Ugh… It’s so final. Nothing is final. Do you feel me here? On a spiritual level, for sure. On an evolution level, totally. On a universal level, mmm hmmm. On an every day level, yep. Even if certain things are intellectually final, it’s still not a healthy place to reside. Saying I never cook implies that, well, I never cook. Which isn’t true in the first place, but psychologically sets me up to never learn to cook or like to cook by stating it so black and white as never. I always quit everything I’m good at. Ugh… that’s my pattern, for sure, but to state it with such finality leaves little room to change that pattern.

Two things… what we tell ourselves we generally end up believing. And what we think generally gets called into existence. So even if it is true that I normally quit things I’m good at, it would only serve me to stop talking about that in those terms. Rather saying the polar opposite in that I see things through. That is a much better place to reside in your mind.

A detrimental thing happens as we grow up… it’s so common and not what one would think as a problem, alas it is what allows us to see certain things as final. We, more times than not, get labeled or tagged as always being a certain way when we are children. Our parents talk about us with these attributes candidly as a way to sum us up. Sometimes with laughter, sometimes with frustration. But labeled with finality all the same. Think about it… in what ways were you labeled as a child? I was always late. A quitter. Terrible with money. And finally the black sheep. Guess how many of those things I carried into adulthood with me?? Yep… all of them. I’ve made conscience choices in the years since to change those things, but brought them with me I did.

It leads me to what this article is ultimately about… Let’s do always and never but let’s do it in a way that serves us by way of the universe and positivity. You feel me? I’m always successful. I’m always financially free. I’m always available to my children. I’m always an attentive wife. So, ok, there’s a finality to that too, but it’s less reckless. Those are things that we’re channeling and hoping to call into existence. Having a sense of finality in the area of positivity is not as detrimental as doing the always/never dance around things that hurt us or don’t serve us. And let’s face it, insulting or criticizing ourselves in the form of alwaysing or nevering is not just negative but toxic. It leads to more work in the self care, help, and healing arena. You bought into the negative always/nevers being thrown at you, try buying into the positive side, even if you have to fake it until you make it.

I say things every single day in the form of always that aren’t altogether true yet. But I believe them anyway. That, for the last ten years, has served me to call those things into existence OR made me much happier on my journey, rather than always making me bad and never being successful. Those lines of thinking only make life harder because negativity only breeds more of the same. It’s no different than anything else I talk about… it takes practice. The first step is not using those words at all. Replacing those words with other words altogether. No more always and never. At all. Ever. Then as things start to improve, because they will, then start adding always back in… but where it belongs. I always use the word always where it belongs. ūüėÄ

So, in conclusion, when you’re talking about yourself, get kind and get positive, because, yes, the universe is listening… but so are you.

Get Out of Your Own Way

I work for a company that is unconventional. I think in some people’s minds that equals not legitimate… and that pisses me off really. I know that there were several schemes in the past. And I know that there are still some real scum bag people out there trying to put one over on you. But when someone decides that an opportunity is not legitimate because it asks you to invest in yourself, I get angry. Because here’s the thing… If you aren’t willing to invest¬†in a¬†business that you are fortunate enough to own and run yourself then you’re basically saying that you don’t believe in yourself enough to go for it. I know this is controversial, I get it, but the truth is is that there is a whole bunch of naivete in thinking that someone will gift you a business for nothing. That would be awesome… I mean for sure. But very unrealistic. When you think about the way in which businesses are changing and what it actually costs to run a brick and mortar store front, the investment asked of us is small potatoes. The other way my ever positive mind works is, “what’s being out a bunch of money in comparison to what if it works?” Does that make sense? Safety is overrated. I’d rather take a huge gamble on myself and potentially make magic happen than live in a bubble of safe ‘what ifs.’ Any day of the week.

Hundreds of thousands of stores closed last year because of the way that shopping online is growing. And because online shopping continues to grow so does the need for online marketing as well as the need for technological education. Enter Network and Affiliate marketing. I know several, if not hundreds, of people personally who have had massive success running their businesses from home with these styles of businesses. And what’s not to love if it “actually works.” The ever quoted “laptop lifestyle,” work from home, spend more time with your family, improve your lifestyle, get out of debt… too good to be true, right? Ahhhhhh NO. It’s attitude. It’s mindset. It’s willingness. It’s understanding the way these businesses work and having patience. It’s understanding that some people do in fact get rich quick but that is not the promise going in. It’s understanding that even though it’s all of those awesome things listed above, it’s also equal parts hard work and positive attitude.

What I can promise is if you give something like this a try, you will find yourself in a way that no office job could ever offer. These businesses force you to get out of your comfort zone and grow in the same way going to therapy would. There’s enormous power in being surrounded by like minded people who are basically saying, “here, copy me on everything I’ve ever done, but find your niche, do it with your flare, and get successful too.” They’re selling you how they did it in a business in a box. They did all the hard work, found out what worked, and then wrapped it all up in an awesome little package that they ask you to invest in. It’s good business. It’s personal. You take the education piece and then fit it in around your business style and personality, you include the bits that are important to you, take what you need and leave the rest. But what is usually left, if you do the work, is a mighty nice income stream, inside an awesome business model, that you were gifted by investing in yourself. And molding that self into more than you ever imagined. I’m not joking… I’m doing Affiliate Marketing but in the course of doing so have found a platform for sharing on the things that I’m most passionate about. That is awwwwwsome, inexplicably powerful, life changing, relationship changing, and worth every single penny I’ve ever invested.

I love sharing about what it is I’m doing. This done-for-you, automated system is exactly everything I was hoping it would be and more. I’m able to attend all of my youngest’s appointments for his special needs, all of my children’s school and sports commitments, spend time with my husband and my friends, and most importantly do the things for me that equal my ability to do all of the above…. yoga, meditation, and more. Please feel free to look for me on Facebook, follow me here or on YouTube, check out my business link, or all of the above. The absolute best part of what I do is sharing it with others… telling people how they could change their lives too.

Check This Out

I might pop on here later today too, but HAD to do a post just for this Masterclass. Part of how I am able to share the way I do with the mindset that I have is because of finding a company and business that allows me the time and money freedom to do so.

So much on my mind today!!… All of it brilliant of course ūüôā but mainly I would like to suggest something to you. Many people message me daily to ask what it is I’m doing now… and I’ll tell you what I tell them… tune into a webinar or a masterclass, because you cannot help but get excited about what is possible! It’s contagious and thrilling at the possibilities that start jumping around in your mind.

Since joining SAN many things have happened in mine and Jay’s little world and it’s ALL amazing! The financial piece has freed up the worry piece to then focus on the growing piece. I swear…. It’s showing me things I didn’t know I was looking for. So if you’re looking too then please check this out. I promise you’ll get value out of it at the VERY least…. but maybe… just maybe change your life too. Register and add this to your calendar for Friday.


Work. Kids. Recovery. Oh My

You know… some days are just easier to balance than others, aren’t they? I swear, if you’re doing all you should be doing in rearing wonderful people, you hardly have time for anything else. If you’re doing all you should be doing to have a super successful team and business, you hardly have time for anything else. If you’re doing all you can to be physically, spiritually, and mentally fit, you hardly have time for anything else. Sooooo how on earth are we supposed to balance it all? Here’s a little mind f*ck for you…. We’re not.

Here’s what I mean… we don’t have enough hours in the day to do everything we would like to do. We just don’t. What we do have time for is scheduling, prioritizing, and doing the next right thing. Because we can’t predict the future, we do the best we can with the way things play out. That’s literally it. Easier said than done… I know I know, I agree.

Some weeks I’m extra itchy (my term for needing a meeting), some weeks my wee people are extra special (my term for them being a right pain in the ass), and some weeks the last thing I feel like doing is placing ads or sending emails. What I do in these situations is sometimes exactly the right thing to do in that given moment that you could write a god damn greeting card about it, annnnnd sometimes you’d question my level of competence at anything at all. What helps to keep me sane though is choosing. Good grief… easily my most frequently used word. Choice. But it covers a whole shit ton of areas, what can I say… But choosing what needs to go where on the calendar, which days, and for how long can make things so manageable that I did in fact question my level of intelligence prior to this concept. Because here’s what happens… the blank spots on the calendar where you get to fill it in leave a whole crap ton of opportunity for balance. If nothing is on the calendar I get to choose what is being left out of the balancing act… Will I read, sleep, eat, watch a movie with the kids, catch up on the ever exploding closets, hit a yoga class, go for a walk, check out a meeting, go on a date with hubs, or sit down with a good friend? Because, see, when you put your life in perspective of a list surrounding appointments, school commitments, meeting commitments, and more the things you get to choose to fill in the blanks can look a lot like a really nice life. Ya dig?

We put so much emphasis on the dread, things like getting to class, writing that paper, reading that chapter, going to that meeting, getting that blood draw, hitting that deadline, running those advertisements, homework, and meal prep that we forget, in comparison, life looks goooood. If your good for you list isn’t longer than your dread list than we really must regroup, reprioritize, and rebalance because that’s a problem. It’s clear evidence that we took our given choices and chose all crazy and out of order.

Some things to look at… are you trying to please too many people? Are you trying to squeeze too many things in a given day? Are you doing enough things for yourself? Are the things you’re doing for others and in a given day for the right reasons? Are you overall healthy? Are you happy? Are you stressed? A balanced life comes from looking at those questions and filling in the scheduled times as well as the blank times with the proper amount of emphasis. Sounds nice, right? It’s like anything, it takes practice. If I have a whole crap ton of work to do one week then I simply don’t go on a coffee date or get up earlier for my walk, or pay a babysitter. If after a crazy week of work I need to get the balance back then the following week I might hit an extra yoga class or have an extra coffee with another friend. See, it’s scheduling but choosing too. Knowing yourself and following through. Doing for others because that’s important too, but making sure that you, yourself are high up on the priority list. Really high.

Balance is such a sweet and healthy word. I can tell you that I have balance in my life today, completely, but it’s messy, never looks the same two days in a row, and is sometimes very heavily weighted on the selfish end. BUT because it’s not a perfect science, totally takes practice, and is going to look different for all of us, I’m ok with my balancing act work in progress status. It feels good to be working at it. It feels good that it’s producing pretty amazing small people, a mighty successful business, and a hefty amount of ever growing spirituality. So do what works for you, include yourself in all of your decision making processes, and keep rocking back and forth until you find your steady ground. It’s there.

Be Authentically You

I wish I could clearly explain what it means to your vision of wholeness when you connect with someone who helps you find the very best version of yourself. I’m so blessed to have that in my husband, but also in finding a goddesspreneur who has helped me to express myself and live my truth authentically. For far too long I lived with masks because I let my interpretation of what society expected guide me. It was realized this week that I’ve finally come into my own. My home. My spirit. My truth. I’ve been living it for quite some time but to actually realize it and remembering witnessing its birth…. well, it’s more than monumental. It’s changed me. Yes, the change, but realizing you’re in it, that you did that (with enormous help), and that what once felt impossible is now in living color…. well, Whoa!! Just whoa.

After my perfectly poignant tarot reading the other day, I was gifted the following tarot experience in a private message. I’m sharing it here in its fullness because I think it’s so important for all of us to realize. I am finally at a place on my spiritual and emotional journey that this is how I live currently. BUT it wasn’t always the case (and still need reminding). I once felt lost and hopeless. I was broken and had all but given up. My message is clear in this matter and in relation to my last post (another words a very important message that can’t be mentioned often enough) is to don’t ever give up. Whatever image you hold in your mind for your life, your well being, your future, you can hold in your hand, your heart, your life. I promise. Just by not giving up.

TAROT  DREAM COME TRUE- Your dreams are coming true because you stayed true to your hearts desire.

Time for you to relax and take in all of the amazing events that have happened to you over the last year or so. Look back and contemplate how fast things shifted for you when you made the decision to be true to yourself and to listen to the call of your soul (WOW). Your dreams are of your soul. Your dreams are unfolding faster than ever before. Congratulations for staying true to yourself, for believing in your dreams, and for overcoming all obstacles that were in your path. This card comes to you today to remind you to keep moving forward toward the life of your dreams. It has not been an easy journey, but you are finally beginning to see how everything is connected and how all of the adversity that you faced was a part of you facing your fears and learning new ways to handle your challenges. You have made sacrifices, you have taken risks, you have faced and overcome many trying times, and you never gave up. Do not forget to take note of all that you have been through to get to this moment in time. You are learning that intention and faith combined can move mountains (WOW). When you come up against a period of slow movement, it is important for you to remember all that you have accomplished. Your dreams are unfolding because you believed in the impossible. Remember how you got here and use this information to remember all that you have accomplished. Your dreams are unfolding because you believed in the impossible. Remember how you got here and use this information to create even more beautiful possibilities for yourself.

Words they couldn’t emphasize enough…. remember, believed, accomplished, dreams, overcome, forward, possibilities.

Sigh….mmmmm… please believe this for yourself. If you aren’t where you want to be, you can be. You can be.


Today I want to talk about mindset. And I’ll tell you why… I’m struggling right now with mine. Not officially, as I always know what to do, emotionally, I’m just not always equipped to do what to do. :p Enter pesky depression that I have talked so much about. I’m steering clear of full throttle depression for the last several months but it teases me a little bit every once in a while.

So, for the most part, I’m the annoying girl that is always insisting that something isn’t so bad, here’s the silver lining, what can you learn from that, stay positive because that breeds more positive. You know, the girl that you don’t want to talk to if you’re looking to celebrate your pity party. Right? I mean I’m really a broken record about it all. It is what I believe at the core of me. (Here’s the dreaded) BUT sometimes, sometimes my day to day real life reality, self doubt, and fear take over and allow me to flail a little bit. I suppose there’s a piece of that that helps me to grow, gives me an opportunity to break a cycle, not repeat a pattern, and practice what I preach, BUT sometimes it’s harder than I would like it to be.

So, for example, we weren’t approved for a new car loan. Now, my positive mindset would say, how incredible is it that you would have even thought that you had come so far, that your credit was improved so much that you could get a car, that the last few years you had your shit so much together that you thought you could get a new car?? That’s amazing!! But instead I was a hot mess of feeling embarrassed, like a failure, extreme disappointment, and just overall pooooor me. Ugh, right? I mean, my current vehicle doesn’t have air conditioning and it is miserable. How can I be expected to keep driving such nonsense? What a brat! I mean, it’s a car, it gets me where I need to go. Everyone should be so lucky. See what I’m talking about here? Grateful but moody. I’m a mess.

Another example is that I’m not where I want to be with my business. I can often let fear stop me from getting there. I can go as dark as thinking that if I’m not where I want to be then I probably don’t have what it takes to get there. That’s bullshit. I know this and yet fear strangles me all the same. Enter feelings of envy, inadequacy, and wanting to quit. Again… thee bullshit! That’s just me talking myself into taking the easy way, the old pattern way, the hey if I don’t try then I can’t fail way. Gross. Get to work, woman.

Here’s what I’m trying to say…. Don’t stop believing in yourself. Don’t ever stop. That’s one of the only things I can confidently say about my journey. I never, ever quit all the way or forever. I’ve tried. I’ve come close but at the end of the day, the one thing I can say in terms of being a success is that I never, ever stop getting up. That is enough some days. You know those days? When it’s enough that your kids had three meals and you didn’t burn one of them ¬†(the meals, not the kids)? :p Yep, some days that’s all I’ve got. But on a very good day, I educate myself on myself, I work hard on my business, I enjoy my children instead of wanting to strangle them, ūüėČ I practice self care, I try to give back, and I eeek my way back to my positive line of living. It isn’t easy. Shit, life is full of a crap ton of responsibilities, some drama if you fall victim, hardships, and hurt. It’s important to process all of it, and we all may have different ways of doing that, but if, in the end, you come full circle back to you then you’ve done it right. Whatever that looks like for you specifically then you’ve done it right. My fear of failure and hardwork combined lol keeps me working hard but I do. I must.

When I first began recovery I absolutely hated some of the continuous sayings being flung at me. I hear them so differently now that I have a little bit of wellness under my belt. “This too shall pass.” WHAT?? Did you not hear me? I’ve got a major, real life problem right here, right now! I don’t need you sweeping it under the rug with some air quotes. Maaan! Now when I hear this very saying, this too shall pass, it gives me encouragement. It’s a relief. Nothing is forever. Whatever is disastrous, trying, or miserable will not ever remain in it’s current state forever. That’s amazing and a huge relief. Right?! Things being in constant motion allows us endless opportunities to practice how best to respond, react, and deal with what is presented to us. What a relief of a perspective. I’m never doomed. I never just have the worst luck. I’m not always stuck. I get to pave my path AND how I’m going to perceive it. Sometimes I do those things beautifully, sometimes hideously…. the point is that I’m doing it. I’m sometimes sailing over to the other side and sometimes clawing my way, but I will always arrive. Arrive. Any way you can. It’s going to be ok.

Don’t Miss This

Just a quick pop in today to tell you why you should check out this webinar tomorrow night-

I’ve never witnessed such no nonsense, straightforward, business hack, and autopilot style training in my life. This business has allowed me to bring in $4000 while spending the entire summer frolicking with my children. The importance of that is immeasurable… priceless.

I do three or four things a week for my business to run itself so I can spend my time with my friends, my family, and doing self care. How many businesses do you know that allow that to be true? Now, once the kids are in school I’ll put a lot more effort in because I’ll have the time (though it will still be from home and on my terms) and that should maximize my results enormously! Translation… MO money! ūüėĄūüėä

In conclusion…. Today choose you. Choose your family, your time, your future. There is absolutely no commitment. Just watch! And try not to get as excited as I (and so many others) did. ūüėä

See you there.


Fear Can Kiss Off, Choose Love

I was at a speaker meeting a long time ago and I heard something, that at the time, I thought was so freaking profound. It moved me completely! I have thought about it a lot and, when I allow myself to be conscience of it, try to live by. This is what this speaker said, “there are only two emotions, love and fear, and when I’m living my life by that thought, things get better, one day at a time.” They went on to speak a little more on that but let’s you and I talk about it. I love this idea. I wish we could all find a little bit of this. The world would look very different.

We are born with love. It is innate. It is in our nature, almost always, to veer in the direction of goodness. It is in the process of living and learning by outside sources that fear becomes ingrained in us. Still, where there is love, there cannot be fear. And where there is fear, there cannot be love.

Every emotion is but a subcategory to love and fear. It is in discovering the source that we determine where we stand. But it is safe to say that if we are sitting in judgement, anger, resentfulness, sadness, or depression we are dealing with fear. While if we’re in a state of peace, serenity, joy and the ability to forgive we are dealing with a state of love.

There is a bottom line and that is choice. Yep, the C word. We have a choice, every single day to decide what our attitude towards the things that challenge us are. Or the things that fill us up… how we respond to those things. See, giving and showing gratitude amplify love. Offering forgiveness, even silently, amplifies love. Showing compassion, understanding, or saying a prayer for someone you do not like amplifies love. So, what I’m saying is that replacing typically titled fear behaviors with loving actions will almost completely diminish fear.

It’s something to really consider. It takes practice, like anything, but it is well worth it. Because, let’s face it, life offers enough storms that we have to maneuver, practicing our behavior around them changes every dynamic of getting to the other side of it. Fear will only emphasize the problem and make it longer and harder to get through. And that’s the minimum of the negativity around fear. Putting love, understanding and acceptance around it will diminish it, change it, require less energy, and let’s face it, emphasize feelings of love.

I wish I could explain the power in replacing fear with love. I mean how I feel praying for someone who I absolutely resent is so much more peaceful than harboring that negative emotion of disdain. So much more. Forgiving the person who flips me off in busy traffic is so much more calming than thinking continuous retaliating thoughts. Understanding that my boss has other frustrations taking place and that his attitude towards me, though unkind, doesn’t have anything to do with me. Those are all choices. That took practice. That allow my life to be filled up with love.

There is also an element of faith that is involved. I had faith that if I chose to live in love and not fear that my life would improve. I’m pleased to say that faith remains. Nothing is an exact science, and there will always (and I mean always) be bumps in the road, but when choosing a practice, something to practice…. love and positivity will always be a good choice…. the winning choice.

I’ll touch on this pertaining to work really quick because although I believe that all of the above enter into work too I wanted to be specific. Life is too short to be unhappy, fearful, stick to what feels safe, and worry about what others think. It’s a cliche saying, Life is too short, but really think about this for a sec…. We can either get busy living or get busy dying and I can tell you, straight up, that I did not get sober and healthy to make somebody else rich, pay bills, and die. So throwing fear and the need for safety to the wind is the answer. It just is. Living for weekends and vacations is not living. There’s more. I’m just saying, there’s more. If you love what you do then awesome! I mean truly… that is awesome! It’s so important. But if you’re not then make a change. It’s that whole choice piece that I talked so much about above. Negativity is a choice. But thank goodness so is positivity. Go with that one.

Cease Fighting

I have been thinking a lot about surrendering and letting go lately. How they’re the same but different. How you can do one but not the other. How, like so many of the things I talk about, they can be defined as uniquely as the person themselves.

I was in a coaching session last week and it was suggested that I find out what surrendering means to me, and to actively let go of things as they arise in my mind, pertaining to healthy things I may be resisting. This has been on my mind a lot this time. Often my assignments are such that I don’t have to focus too much, I just do it and am happily surprised with the results, but this has had my mind a spinnin. I’ll tell you why.

In recovery, we talk of surrendering as ceasing fighting anyone and anything. Turning my will and my life over to something so much bigger than my damn self. As I expand on this I must tell you that this is very powerful in me. I didn’t know it until I started typing, but tears flood my eyes as I do.

Surrendering sounds so defeating doesn’t it? It sounds like giving up, losing, throwing in the towel, dare I say… failure. Well, no! Quite the contrary. Gooooodness, if I could only translate through words and pictures how this saved my life. I can’t. What I can say is that surrendering allowed me an emotional freedom that not many things do. It goes along the same line as acceptance for me. Once I surrendered that I was powerless over alcohol, that I have absolutely no control over other people, that as long as I’m doing my part the rest is really none of my business… well, shit, what a load off, no? I mean, living in that place of constant control over things you really have no control over…. OR trying to control other shit because you can’t control that shit. Yeah… that’s what NOT surrendering looks like. Exhausting. Utterly exhausting. I have to surrender every single day that I am only in control of myself and decide then and there what that looks like. Every. Single. Day. How I parent, work, play, meditate, make my mark on the world, and the legacy that I want to leave behind. That is my surrender. Because isn’t all of that enough, for Pete’s sake? Taking on the other crap… no thanks, I’m goooood.

Letting go… Oh Lordy… letting go. Let’s just say that sometimes this is a minute to minute type thing over here. When you have four kids, letting go can look a lot like “choosing your battles.” Letting go for me is kissing off all the things that don’t serve my health or my happiness. Letting go of regret. YES! Resentfulness, anger, needing to be right, the woulda, coulda, shouldas, the neeeeed to do this, the neeeeed to do that, and expectations. Letting go for this chic looks a lot like living in the moment. I have to practice this constantly, alas it is a wonderful way to live, and I’m extremely lucky to have people in my life that remind me regularly. I’ve even learned to let go of the fact that I need to be reminded of the wonderful ways to live. ūüėÄ

LET GO!!! SURRENDER!! It will serve you! If only to preserve energy. There is so much energy involved with holding onto things that hurt and hinder us. The weakness comes in denying the power these things steal from us in getting and being well. I’m so grateful to reserve that energy on things that allow me to continuously evolve into something better. I need all the energy I can get for that. ūüėČ

It’s Just Hiding Under the Surface All the Time

I’m going to be back later today or tomorrow with something new but I wanted to post something I came across that I had written from a few months ago. It’s one of those things that I like to do… keep what I battle with fresh in my mind so that I’m continuously working on the things daily that keep me healthy, happy and the demon at bay. Yes, depression, one of my demons. It’s never representative of who I am, but something that I own, as to know it is to know me better.

Funk Happens

Keeping it real…. here’s the other side of what I preach.

Keep it positive they said. No one wants a Debbie Downer they said. I don’t disagree with that but that’s just not my reality. If I’m going to preach anything it’s going to be authenticity and authentically… I’m dowwwwn. The kind of funk where taking a shower and getting dressed for the day is too much to ask. The kind where you schedule your entire day of responsibilities around giving you the absolute most time for reclusiveness. The kind where someone’s caring words or the right song turn on the water works. The kind that you can’t pinpoint exactly why this is happening but are just certain that your life is far too big to manage…. how can one person run a home, a business, homework times 3, meals, laundry, therapy appts and hospital stays, billpaying, grocery shopping, broken cars and doing it all mediocre at best and not feeling like an absolute failure? The kind of down where you do whatever you can to bump into the least amount of people possible. Yep. Hi. That’s me.

Unfortunately this is something I battle month after month, year after year. Something that I own… begrudgingly… still… at this point. When in it I find it hard to swallow that this is it. That this is how I’m built and does it mean I’m broken…. Why? Why can’t I just be happy most of the time? Full and energetic, grateful and harmonious? Alas, I’m not…. not always. Luckily my mind works in such a way that I KNOW what to do. I KNOW who I truly am. I KNOW that the depths of my kind, generous, and jubilant heart will prevail, but try as I might there is nothing I can do with my authentic self when she finds herself waning and finding comfort in the dark. The comfy, cozy, escaping dark. The kind of dark that hints it’s way in with extreme cleaning and organizing… organizing exteriorly bc inside I’m falling apart. I know what helps and I know everyone means well by saying pray, exercise, eat right, talk about it, go to a meeting, call your therapist, take a bath, go for walk, or mediate… that will help… but to me, when I’m in it that all sounds like the heaviest suggestions possible. How do I do everything and anything exactly opposite of what I’m feeling capable of? Impossible.

Be positive. Stay strong. Channel what you want and need. What we think we become….. I’ll find myself there eventually. I always do. It’s what I believe. But someone struggling with anxiety, depression, or an ism… at least this someone… knows that it just has to run its course. Something or someone always brings me back to the surface and I can count on that. I’ve been to the darkest of darks and this is never that anymore. It’s become a part of me… again I’ll say begrudgingly… alas I know there’s another side to it. The brighter side. This too shall pass. It’s become my body’s forced break. Time out. My whoa button. This rainy, dark and dreary day is making the tears come easy and will likely speed up the cleansing process. Though today is filled with grey tomorrow will likely yield to something brighter.

Stop Blaming, it’s Exhausting

Sooooo… guess who’s responsible for your happiness and success?? YOU, silly!!!! Man oh man, if all the world could only grasp this we’d get somewhere, right? So today, let’s talk about blame and taking responsibility.

My very good friend did a video about this yesterday and she’s as blunt as I am. I love it. Her message was basically, be prepared to continue to fail if all you’re willing to do is blame everyone and everything for your lack of success. She is not wrong.

I’ve always been passionate about this topic. Well, once I figured out the lesson for my own damn self. Of course it’s easier to say that it’s someone or something else’s fault for our behavior, our actions, or our lack of success. I absolutely, positively believe that. It is so impossible sometimes to take ownership and do the right thing…. but that is what NOT blaming is… the RIGHT thing.

I can tell you from personal experience that blaming was my easy way out, it worked often, but felt terrible. Taking ownership was so hard, was met with acceptance, and filled with integrity… I’ll take hard any day of the week. I know… WHAT? But hear me out… Having lived with very little integrity in the past, it’s worth the hard every single day of the week. Not only do I now have integrity, but I get to teach my children about how important it is… a lesson never passed down to me.

In life taking responsibility looks a lot like admitting when we’re wrong, making amends, allowing other people to have a choice, a say, an opinion. It’s continuously working towards growth while simultaneously practicing humility. Just two sentences… sounds easier than it is, right? I agree with that. If you weren’t taught the simple actions of taking responsibility and not blaming, or you suffer from insecurity or the like then it is a rougher road for certain… But a very worthwhile road all the same. How those things feel vs just skating by or blaming outside circumstances will always and every time be worth the hardship. I promise.

Let’s talk about this in relation to success in business because it’s a big one… And one I’m familiar with. Mine looks a little different. When others around me are successful I’m more inclined to just stop working, assuming I’m incapable in relation to them. Which is also a problem, a big fat lie and fear all by itself. Something I work on regularly and now throw myself into learning more instead of up and quitting. But I see it all the time… people blaming other people and other things for their failures or lack of success. Now don’t get me wrong, I think circumstance is a real thing, but I also believe in solutions. When you find yourself living in the solution of any kind of problem or speed bump, success will follow. If we up and quit every time someone or something got in the way there would be no success. It’s the fastest way to stop blaming… to realize that it’s just you putting the brakes on something because that’s easier than living in the solution. I believe in solutions to the point that simply not doing or giving up is a solution, BUT it must fit the case appropriately. For example, if a person is continuously giving you bad advice in an area you’re trying to work on, the solution might be to simply stop going to that person rather than blaming them for your lack. Or if using a certain program always leads you to needing to repeat the task, simply giving up on that program would be living in the solution. You feel me?

Living in the solution is one of my most favorite, favorite sayings because it in in fact taking responsibility. I can admit my weaknesses and work to improve them, I can be honest about past mistakes and have a good laugh at myself, I can try things, fail, and try again because all of that is better and more fulfilling than blaming and throwing my integrity down the toilet any day of the week, minute of the day.

It all comes down to choice, doesn’t it? Do the work to be happy with you so that your actions in turn are actions of integrity. Sounds easy enough. It’s not, I get that, but it’s worth it every single time. Every time I choose to work on myself in an area that needs a little tweaking I am forever grateful that I did the work. It may not be easy to continually educate yourself on yourself but the result is ownership. The kind of pride that doesn’t need to come with blame. We don’t have to be perfect, there is no such thing, but we do have to be honest. And if we’re being honest it is very rarely someone or something else’s fault that we aren’t where we want to be. So really think about that… you can either get busy blaming, which will result in a whole lot of nothingness. Or you can get busy doing which results in respect, results, and integrity. You decide.

Uncovering Empowerment

Empowerment is a tough topic for someone like me. Someone who has had to rebuild, start over, find myself, and gain any sense of power to speak of. The idea of empowerment was but a pipe dream. I mean the first step in recovery says, “I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable.” But there was a hidden strength in hitting bottom and finding empowerment in vulnerability. Who’d a thunk it? A continuous journey.

Empowerment is going to look a little different to everyone. I say that a lot don’t I? But it’s true. What something looks like to me might be different to you. It’s because we are all individuals, on different paths, with different goals, striving for something wonderful. How we get there is always going to be different in some ways, but empowerment is empowerment is empowerment. Let’s see if we can relate.

I’m not going to speak to empowerment from the perspective of someone emotionally and mentally healthy because I found my empowerment from a place of unwell, so that is where I will start.

Because I wore several masks in my life growing up, clear through to adulthood, I can say with almost certainty that I was not ever empowered. I was too unclear of who I was to have experienced such a thing. In all sincerity, I was so reclusive, insecure, and unsure that I made my way through my days just trying to decide which version of myself I would be. It was exhausting and confusing. Not anything remotely resembling happiness, never mind power of any kind.

So, given such a dark beginning to my emotional and spiritual life, how on earth did I come full circle (the circle continues on and on just fyi)? The answer is simple… not at all easy, but very, very simple. Surrendering. Full throttle surrendering and complete and utter transparency. My empowerment looks a lot like ugly honest acceptance of myself, continuous learning, and constantly seeking growth and change.

Empowerment is personal and inside. So much of what we project on the outside is so very contingent on the care we take on the inside. I feel empowered because I do the never ending but rewarding work of tending to the things about myself that you can’t see. Knowing that I’m gifting myself that absolutely necessary care is beyond empowering really.

Though we’re never just done working on improving ourselves, empowerment can be born in the journey. Educating ourselves, standing up for ourselves, taking care of ourselves, raising good people, being a good friend, and giving of ourselves… that’s empowerment friends. Are you empowered?



Meditate, it Changes You

I think we should talk about meditation today. I think to say that meditation changed my life is a massive understatement. It makes every single situation better if it’s gone bad. It lifts up even the best of moods. It grounds me when I’m drifting. It channels positivity for me when I can’t do it myself. It relaxes me, calms me, and helps me to sleep. I mean, why everyone doesn’t do this is beyond me. If you let it, it can be a total game changer. Imagine, having a problem solver other than yourself. That’s what meditation is for me.

I was terrible¬†at it at first…. according to the often heard, “I can’t clear my mind,” complaint that one then deems oneself terrible at it. Yeah, I had that. For certain. But was also guaranteed that if I practiced, like anything that you’re learning new, I would become better at it. I knew this was something that spoke to me, and quite frankly, I needed it to work, so I kept after it. It really took such little time to get better and even master it. Master it for me¬†(what is considered mastered will look different for everyone).¬†What’s also important to know is that your practice will change over time, is ever pliable, and will form to you like a good memory foam pillow.

Meditation is so often correlated with religion, but doesn’t have to be. I do know that many religions incorporate meditation and its roots are religious, but spirituality is a very personal thing in my opinion and, for me, meditation is spiritual. Not religious. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t incorporate your faith into meditation, absolutely do, I just don’t want anyone to be steered away from meditation because they deem it religious. It is whatever you want it to be. Hopefully helpful, calming, introspective, meaningful.

I think when you begin to meditate and incorporate it into your daily life you will be shocked at how it can change your perspective on situations, never mind your reaction to things, and an overall sense of peacefulness. It is simply a game changer if you’re willing to try.

One of the things I love is all of the different ways one can meditate. My personal favorite is doing a guided meditation before I fall asleep at night. Those usually come from YouTube and are generally on something calming. Another one of my favorites is meditation with intention. Sitting, alert, aware, and choosing prosperity, integrity, sobriety, gratitude, or the like to meditate on. Then there’s the walking meditation. I generally incorporate that with a repetitive chant. The driving meditation is GREAT for putting in a cd, listening to something calming, glancing at the clouds, soaking up the sun, channeling peace. And finally the sneak away meditation. This is often necessary before a speech or presentation, when someone is driving you bat shit crazy, before a big event, just stealing five minutes to breathe. It matters. It changes things.

Of all of the things that I have chosen to continue improving myself, meditation is the one constant as well as the most beneficial. I can read, and talk, and pray and it’s helpful, I love it actually, but meditation causes me to feel so incredibly different. Helped. Healed. Productive. Changed. That’s big.

Don’t give up. Try it. If it doesn’t fit at first, keep trying. It’s worth it.

Are You Motivated?

I think about this all the time, but I’ve never written about it. I mean, its not that thrilling of a topic, but important all the same. I mean, for real, who doesn’t need a good little kick in the pants once in a while? Or if you’re me… a lot of the time.

How on earth do people work from home, stay motivated and become successful? It’s not easy, let’s just say that. Holding yourself accountable sounds dreamy, but there is a lot to be said for being your own boss and not having a bossy boss that makes sure you do your shit.

Let’s face it, when you’re getting the kids lunch, taking the dog for a quick walk, or answering the door for UPS it’s not easy to jump right back into the flow of business emails, calls or writing. Distractions are different when set in a home office vs a business office. I mean, often times I’ll prefer to stuff my face, binge watch a show, or crawl back into bed rather than do any work… right?! So how on earth do you keep the wheels oiled and turning to become a success from home?

One suggestion I received was to set a schedule. I love this idea in theory, but with four kids, in summer, it’s not even a little bit of a reality… so similarly I set weekly goals. I like to do a set number of responsibilities each week to keep things progressing and have a week to do it. Because I’m not a fan of not reaching my goals, this works for me and keeps the stress low by not trying to keep a schedule.

This is going to sound silly maybe, but I am by far more productive if I get up, shower, get dressed and ready myself for the day. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t put on dress pants, pumps, or even makeup, but¬†taking care to care for myself is definitely more encouraging to be productive then if I don’t…. by far.

Another thing that is kind of nice and spices things up, is to get out of the house to work once in a while. I can’t do it too often, but I love copping a squat at the local coffee shop sometimes to pound the key board. Well, and a midday cup of Joe never hurt either. ūüėÄ

I love to engage with my teammates and coworkers via phone and messaging even though I’m home in my home and they’re home in their home. Because, truth be told, it can get lonely working from home. Throw some interest in your day by goal setting or dream planning with someone you’re working with. I find a pep in my step when I speak about my plans in life or even for that day with a fellow goal digger.

Okay, this is the biggy… you must be doing something that you’re passionate about or something that allows you to do what you are passionate about. It’s nearly impossible, I would think, to motivate and/or not get distracted if what you’re doing is mundane or doesn’t speak to you. Life’s too short for all of that nonsense anyway. If what you’re doing doesn’t get you excited then keep looking. My gig is so easy to work, usually, because it is changing my family’s future and that thrills me to no end! Look for that!

Uncomfortably Numb

Why do we do destructive things to get numb?? Whyyyyyyy?? It’s very obvious to me now…¬†thank goodness. It’s because it prevents us from confronting our real issues head on. That sounds funny, right? I get that… but I’m telling you when you are sick or in a position to rather numb than deal that’s what that is. Four, five and 10 years ago I would rather drink than face myself. Any.Damn.Day.Of.The.Week. I often said in my many years of trying¬†to get sober that I can put down the drink no problem, it’s living sober that’s the real issue.

Why do people relapse, continuously disappoint, and turn back to their destructive ways? It’s plain and simple really… because, believe it or not it’s so much easier! It’s easier to disappoint and apologize, recover from a hangover, make empty promises, live with regret, live with insecurity… (you feel me, right?)… than to face the music of how we got there and to fix it. We know it sucks. Like really, really sucks, but slipping back into old patterns and succumbing to the numbness is just so much easier than getting well. Getting well was, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. In fact, another thing that I often say is that I might never relapse again because learning to live sober initially sucks so incredibly. Now… would I do it again anyway? Absolutely!! The best thing I ever gave myself, my children, and my husband was my sober self, who was willing to look at herself and find an amazing life inside wellness.

The thing that we, the people who numb, don’t fully understand in the depths of our destruction is that while numb there may be no pain, but equally there can be no joy. That’s big. And true, sadly. In hindsight, all of my “joy” when drunk, drinking, or recovering was false or forced. Authentic joy, well.. and all the other emotions only became authentically me in sobriety.

What we choose to numb may seem harmless enough, even pleasurable. Sucks that what feels pleasurable in the moment is really just screwing with the quality of our life. Numbing agents take care of the surface issues lickity split, but in turn cover up the deeper troubles. Well… duh! Right? Of course. Though I can tell you that I did not know that that was what I was doing until I started doing the inside work required once you put that numbing device away. Once it’s gone you will in fact be flooded, mowed over, and bombarded with feelings. Most of them annoying and gross and too heavy to bear. It’s why in my case I seeked out a lot of outside help to see me through it. It’s in receiving that help that those very same feelings and emotions started to add vivid color to my life instead of out and out fear.

It’s a road. A long and windy road, that I can promise you. But what I can also promise is that if you see it through everything will start to make sense. It’s very powerful, but more importantly, it changes you. It is only through change can we keep the numbness from seeking us out, from patterns repeating themselves, and from returning to our previous selves.

One thing that we often aren’t willing to give this very experience is time. But time is what it takes. Wholeheartedly, you have to be willing to get through the muck to get to the good stuff. I’m telling you, it is worth the ride. I look back now and nearly laugh at my emotional ignorance, and yet am eager to continue learning more. Every time I put away a numbing agent that I was using to avoid my reality, I’ve grown. Feelings become more intense and acute, but not tragically, rather enjoyably. Now, don’t get me wrong, the things we’ve been storing up, hiding away, avoiding will come to the surface too, but with a clear mind and a new outlook, getting to the other side of that is extremely powerful too.

It is a continuous journey. Continuous. I still have things about myself that drive me bat shit crazy. Insecurities that don’t make sense to me and frustrate me to no end, but instead of getting drunk in the face of them, I seek learning and practice to overcome. It’s a bumpy road, sometimes trying, but often wonderful…. beautiful even. Avoiding numbness has given me the courage and the grace to handle even the most intense of emotions and situations today. Courage and grace. Those are words, four years ago I would never have used to describe myself. I still have so much to learn, do, and give back, but today… I’m so grateful to be unnumb.

This is Why I Do What I Do

I won’t devote too many blog posts to my business specifically, but today I have to because the content/training that’s coming in right now is so powerful, as well as an incredible deal happening that started Thursday.

I work with the Super Affiliate Network (SAN). It’s a young company run by a young dude that simply knows his shit and has made insane magic happen in the last two years. Multiple 7 figure kind of magic.

Why this program stands out is simply because he sets up the training so that you need not know a single thing about Online Marketing before joining, OR you can be completely savvy and not feel like you’re being talked down to. It’s very impressive and a fountain of knowledge. Another impressive stand out is how he teaches us to run our businesses on autopilot. You literally buy into so much of the work already being done for you. It is absolutely the main reason I became interested in it. Well, that and the huge commissions!

SAN is a system that teaches you how to online market. What you’re investing in is the system. What you gain is the knowledge to know how to market your own brand one day should you want to. It’s very interesting, intriguing, and almost mandatory in this day and age’s technology and business models. Ever since joining I feel as though I have a leg up in the our technologically progressive times. That’s powerful.

Why I do this business is because I have four children that I absolutely love being home for. One of those sweet babies has a syndrome called Prader Willi Syndrome, and for the last two years it has been almost imperative that I stay home with him. I needed an income coming in to assist the family but was praying to find something from home. I found network marketing initially and quite simply SAN has proven to be much easier and much more lucrative. Win win.

I work alongside some amazing people from every walk of life imaginable. This business does not discriminate. Single moms, retired men and women, people with zilch in the bank and people that know this is the way to continue their financial growth. Internationally SAN is becoming recognized for being the answer to many of people’s life questions on how to be financially secure, have time freedom, and feel fulfilled professionally. I mean, wow! Just wow! The best way to get a handle on this is to join because once a member you are added to the SAN group pages and are immediately greeted with the powerful support system as well as the inspirational stories of others.

Why joining right now is so important…. We are currently offering a $1 sign up fee with no strings attached!! WHAT?!! Yes! Like almost anything these days, when you sign up for a crazy good deal you are immediately greeted with the commitment to pay monthly. I mean almost EVERYTHING! Not this time!!! You can sign up, pay one dollar, be assigned a coach, given access to the training modules, gain access to our Facebook groups, and start seeing if this is a good fit for you. All of that for ONE BUCK! No strings!! How you invest further is completely and totally up to you!

So please check out this link. It could very well be the link that changes your future. That’s some pretty powerful stuff I realize, but it’s hard not to share that which is surely changing my family’s lives. It’s amazing!!

See You at the Top!!

For Pete’s Sake, Stop Apologizing

Sometimes I find myself frustrated with trends. I never want the things that really, really matter to lose their weight, their impact. I could come up with several examples, especially in the emotional improvement arena, but today I want to talk about #sorrynotsorry. All of this talk about how we say “sorry” too much. It’s funny to speak your mind with complete confidence and then use the hashtag. I get it. Shit… I’ve done it. But I do not want it to take away from the fact that over apologizing is a real thing and I think it’s worth talking about.

I have a life coach that I see every few weeks. She’s this sort of zen, yogastrologer, high priestess badass warrior woman. The first time we ever met I thought to myself, surely I’ve found my spiritual soul mate. She’s sort of amazing. She speaks about Mother Nature being her badass self, day in and day out, unapologetically. How it doesn’t matter how hot or cold it is, how she shamelessly fills the air with the intoxicating aromas of floral gardens or down pours heavy rains, I mean even tornadoes and hurricanes… in all of her Mother Nature glory, no apology. She is who she is and we love her in spite of all of it. I absolutely love this comparison because aren’t we all just a hot mess of right and wrong, trying our best to be ourselves and not have to feel bad about it? Aaaamen!

Apologizing is a real thing and their are absolutely real reasons that saying “I”m sorry,” groveling even, are absolutely necessary. Trust me, I’ve had to do my fair share. In fact it is one of my favorite periods of growth in my life, realizing that my unwillingness to apologize was my unhealthy relationship with humility. It has come to be that apologizing is now just a natural part of my days living as a fallible human being. Admitting when I’m wrong and trying to make it right. It’s imperative to healthy relationships.

Let’s talk about the reasons we should stop apologizing. One reason would be because it’s not your fault. Ever notice how someone can fill the gap in a greeting by apologizing because it’s raining? It might seem silly to some, but it happens all the time. People apologizing as a matter of conversation for things they have absolutely no control of. Stop that!!

Let’s stay away from perpetuating low self esteem by apologizing, yes? Unfortunately, a classic sign of low self worth is frequently apologizing. In doing so you actually reinforce negative feelings about yourself. Where on the flip side, just by limiting how often you apologize, right now, can actually have a positive impact on your self esteem. Yes, let’s do that.

Here’s a reason to stop…. RESPECT… or loss of. Over-apologizers tend to lose respect among peers and co-workers because it really does come across as a weakness. You really must own your actions and decisions and not be sorry about it for respect to remain in check.

*There is always that disclaimer here that there are things that need apologizing for, of course, but not for doing your job or being who you are. I don’t want it to be confused throughout this entire article that I’m all “never be sorry,” not at all. Just stop apologizing where it isn’t necessary.*

There will always be people in your life, work especially, who have a higher position than you, but by over apologizing you actually put yourself in a more subordinate role automatically. This will directly affect your confidence. Really take notice of whether there needs to be an apology at the times you do. If there doesn’t then really focus on cutting those out… for your confidence alone.

Ooooo… here’s a biggy… Stop apologizing to put off conflict! No one really loves conflict, I get that, but some conflict is necessary. Working through what the disagreement might actually be is so much healthier than apologizing for it and sweeping it under the rug. What actually comes from this is growth and that is so important, especially in the way of stopping apologizing where you shouldn’t, but in general too. Growth. Sigh. YES.

Sometimes when someone apologizes over and over again, it absolutely loses it’s meaning. I often say to my sometimes too often apologizing children, “don’t say I’m sorry just stop doing it.” But it’s the cry wolf thing… eventually your apology will mean very little if it’s something that you say all the time.

Last but definitely not least… Stop apologizing for being you! Yes, we make mistakes. Yes, apologize for those things. But never, ever apologize for over thinking something, not being appropriately dressed, defending your opinion, etc. You feel me. Apologize when you screw up, NOT for what makes you you… Even if someone doesn’t like it. Losing the apologies, in and of itself, will give you back some confidence right on the spot.

I say it all the time and I will preach on…. Be unapologetically you! It is so important to live your truth, say what you think, feel out loud, be fallible, respect yourself for not being sorry for having had to be sorry, for screwing up and becoming better for it, for being authentically YOU! Be You! #sorrynotsorry

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation… some fact of my life… unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” Whew… what a concept. This quote is taken from one of the stories at the back of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love talking about acceptance. It’s vast but so important to inner peace.

I had no idea, as an egotistical alcoholic, that I could ever find peace by being quiet. I have to laugh because so much of meditation is about inner peace and being quiet going exactly hand in hand, alas, much of the time I only felt any good if I was being a complete know-it-all. As soon as I realized that my thoughts and opinions were just that…. mine. That other people had their own points of view and were certainly entitled to their own opinions, I found acceptance that I’m not only NOT right all the time, but that I don’t need to be. I know to some of you this may sound silly, but when you’re sick and looking for validation, you look for it in the strangest ways. One of mine was being somewhat of an expert on everything that people talked about. How exhausting, right? Well it was. As soon as I started being quiet and found acceptance in the fact that not only did I not need to be right, but I also didn’t even necessarily need to be heard, I found a relief. Peace. What a weight off to not have to have all the answers, right?

The above form of acceptance comes from a place of change. Like the serenity prayer says, in a nut shell, I must have the wisdom to know that I am only responsible for changing myself… nothing more. That kind of change equaling acceptance comes in different forms though.

Accepting people. Oy… There also is some inner peace that comes when you finally decide to accept people for exactly who they are. This sounds simple enough, but again, when you’re sick or ego has run amuck you tend to think you have all of the answers for other people too. Or have little acceptance for the answers that they, themselves give. It’s heavy and toxic. Hard to break the habit but heavy and toxic until you do. I have a friend who always referred to his friend saying this every time he complained about his mother… his friend would say, “you know, I’ll never understand why you get so upset every single time your mother acts exactly like your mother.” Like we’re wasting all of this energy on something that we should expect anyway. Or here’s an idea, just accept them exactly how they are. It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden they’re healthy to be around or right or that you shouldn’t set boundaries, but accepting that they are the way they are and that it’s not your job to change them, can offer a huge amount of freedom.

Accepting situations. There are so many cliches that go here… everything happens for a reason or you’re exactly where you should be or that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Need I go on? We hear them all the time so that, at some point, they might just not hold as much weight… except that they do. There is a lesson in even the most trying of times. Pain is such a powerful teacher. We learn the lesson so much quicker if we accept it for exactly how it’s presented instead of trying to change it or sugar coat it or deny it.

So while having to “accept” something usually comes along side something undesirable it is up to us as to how we view that. Very little surprises me anymore in the area of needing to deal with what’s presented. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I get furious, sometimes it feels completely unfair but as long as I accept it for exactly how it is and choose to live in the solution… only good things have come out on the other side. Letting go has served me so well. It took practice but letting go and acceptance offer sweet freedom, relief and conserved energy. Doesn’t that sound so much better than what we think we want?


Sorry, That’s Mine

You know, I was thinking of something the other day… Who’s to say who is right or who is wrong? How can we have so much fight, hate, anger, and more when everything is based on a person’s own belief system. I tend to look at the world differently when I assume it through their eyes. And not assuming that I know what they’re thinking or why they’re doing what they’re doing, but rather assume that I know nothing about them whatsoever. Do you ever think about that? How are we sometimes so quick to judge when we know diddly shit about that person? It is literally a judgement of one instance or one observation. Now, trust me, some really horrible person might not deserve the benefit of the doubt given their choices in a situation, and still I find myself thinking that even they, even someone making really hateful, awful decisions must have a history, a past, an issue, a mental illness. I’m not kidding. I continuously go to a place of, “surely they must have something wrong going on in their world for such behavior.” I mean, it’s what I implore my children to do when they express unhappiness with a person at school or camp. Surely we must hold ourselves to the same standards. In fact, it’s in the combination of being a mother as well as my laundry list of my own mistakes that has created such empathy.

This past year, especially, I’ve learned how very different we can all be and still live in harmony. Some don’t choose to do the harmony piece, I mean Donald Trump was, after all, elected president. Talk about a time where people have a thing or two to say. And although I’m about as left winged as one can go, I’ve still come to see that we’re all just one judgement away from losing friendships, losing jobs, offending countries or going to war. I mean seriously, as much as I hate to, I must leave all of that up to Congress. What I’m talking about is much smaller potatoes…. whew… thank goodness, right? I absolutely have my opinions politically, alas, not here. Not now.

What I am talking about is just everyday life things that we become passionate about or believe in or practice or do that might not be what someone else does, but does not leave open for judgement. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had someone get all pissy about the fact that one of your friends just has to buy organic everything all the time or they’re ruined? But rather than actually thinking the person is especially braggy or pompous about being super green, the person might actually be jealous that they themselves can’t afford to buy organic. Or if someone has strong religious views… in any arena, and they’re judged because someone feels they can’t be themselves around them, when realllly it’s more about wishing they could be that sure of¬†their own spiritual path.

What’s my point? That spending time worrying about other people’s journey is taking away valuable energy in finding your own. Gawd… I did this for too long. I spent too much time lost along other people’s paths rather than finding mine. Wishing I had what they had or felt how they felt or learned what they learned. Once I realized that my passions, thoughts, and feelings were crazy legit and big enough to fill me up I had no room for other’s. Not the people…. no no no…. the people fill me up because of their passions and quirks and gifts. And I think I do that for them too. It’s about that. I get so furious when someone makes themselves so vulnerable to put themselves out there in writing form, dare I say a blog, for purposes of connecting… helping, only to have people jump all over it with judgments and accusations.

My life would not be as magnificent as it is if I didn’t believe in second chances, that change is imperative, if my husband wasn’t my best friend, if I hadn’t moved all over the east and west coast, if I wasn’t mad passionate about women’s bodies, about teaching girls to respect their bodies, being completely anti gun, studying buddhism, worrying if my chakras are inline, limiting my carbon footprint, running my own businesses, binge watching BBC, eating a whole jar of nutella in a sitting, constantly battling depression, raising really good people, and being a mad recovering drunk. ALL of it…. every. single. bit. of it is something that someone has had an opinion on in my life at one time or another. The kind of things that don’t warrant an opinion. We all have this list. The list of things that make us tick. Make us excited, make us researchers, make life interesting, fill us up and are sometimes as important as our breath. Those things don’t get to be judged. That shit’s mine. Oh worry not.. it will still be judged.. but if you take anything away from this article take away this… they cannot take what’s yours inside. My feelings have been hurt about judgments about these things, sure, but at the end of the day, they’re mine… Your passions, the things that fill you up… Judgement cannot have that.

EFF YOU, Shame. Jus Sayin

Dunh dunh dunnnnnnnn….. We’re gonna play the shame game… Oh shame… why you know my name? I know you know what I’m talking about. That super icky feeling that no one is immune to…. that everyone has experienced even if you’re the healthiest of healthys.

Let’s clear up a lil something here, shall we? Guilt and shame are NOT the same thing. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” Huge, gigantic difference. One is healthy (though an amends probably lies in wait) and one is tragic. Shame denies us from feeling good and when you don’t feel good you cannot be yourself. And when you’re not yourself everything gets all screwed up.

Shame can make you who you think other people want you to be. Oyyyy… it can even make you pretend to be someone you’re not in an effort to hide the shame you feel. That gets very heavy very fast. All of that leads to stress, anxiety and loneliness. Oh the loneliness that shame creates…. it’s its own demon.

One way to start putting shame to bed is TO TALK ABOUT IT!! Goooood grief! Just talk about it. Easier said than done, right? I get it. It is. At first. Then there is this freedom. This beautiful shared imperfectionism. As soon as you open your mouth you’ll be greeted with not being alone…. and that is powerful beyond measure. It’s why 12 step programs and support groups work. Think about that and all of the years those have been around. They might just be on to something.

Shame comes from all different assumed sources. We assume that the way we parent is wrong, the way we dress, how we speak, what we sell, what we do in our free time…. you get my drift… Everything we do is open to judgement, I suppose, but there does not have to be shame in it. Nooooo… in fact as soon as I spilled all of my dirty laundry and came out from behind my mountain of shame my life flipped. Like crazy flipped. Like the, ‘pissed I didn’t do this sooner’ flipped. Because getting it out there finally starts the process of healing and all of what that looks like. We get so busy nurturing and coddling our shame that we never stop to think that our reasons for being ashamed are not unique. There is always… and I mean always someone out there who did it bigger and badder than you. I swear to you that your shame is not better than anyone else’s shame.

“Owning my story makes me too vulnerable and when I’m vulnerable I feel weak.” I said that to my therapist one day when I finally started talking… like really talking. Thank goodness he’s brilliant because he went right on to talk about warrior women finding strength in vulnerability. “What?!! You’re crazy!!” Well, it didn’t take me long to take to Brenee Brown and get jiggy with the idea he was preaching.

Let’s weigh it out… Shame led to isolation and little to no happiness. Getting honest and vulnerable has led to feeling worthy, finding connections, and being seen. Reeeally seen in all of my emotional nakedness. All of those things have led to healthier relationships, self love, and happiness. Hmmmm…. to carry shame or not to carry shame that is the question… Or NOT.

Being vulnerable is courageous! Keep telling yourself that everyday until you believe it because I speaka the truth. It creates this confidence because you’re showing up and getting recognized for being unapologetically you. It’s heart swellingly lovely. Brenee says that being vulnerable is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change. And THAT is where the good stuff happens. Every. Single. Time.

Never, ever, ever make decisions based on other people’s opinions. You are truly robbing yourself of your potential and greatness by living in worry and fear. There will be some bad responses sometimes, maybe some consequences, but the good will outweigh the bad because you’re living shamelessly. That’s already a win. So then you can just do that stick out your tongue and blow thing at the people that bring the bad. Vulnerability will offer you clarity that transcends into kindness and generosity. What’s great is that it’s not just to other people, it is often kindness to yourself too. There’s another change right there, huh?

Let’s eliminate shame. It’s possible. We can’t change the past. Move on. Leave it there and look forward. Shame feeds on three things; secrecy, judgement, and silence. Brenee tells us in Daring Greatly that empathy is the anecdote. When someone gets ugly honest with you, relate to them. Empathize with their pain, their situation. It’s the cure. There’s a cure! Remarkable!

Be vulnerable, focus on what you want, be mindful, and dance like no one is watching. Speak lovingly to yourself….. you’re listening. Think beautifully….. thoughts become things. And then give shame the finger and a big EFF YOU!

Whether You Think You Can or You Can’t, You’re Right

I love this quote ^ because it makes the way I believe sound so simple… but it is oh so powerful. If, according to the Universe you’re going to be right, you better find a way to think you can.

Look, I get that not everyone thinks this way and can sometimes be controversial (though if I’m being honest, the people that tend to not buy into it are generally the people that are all negative all the time) but if I can help even just ONE person to start thinking differently, well then, I’m going to talk about it.

We are energy and we produce a frequency that the Universe responds to. This isn’t me being creative, this is the Law of Attraction. Like an actual scientific thing, ya’ll. I would love credit for it, alas, it’s been around for quite some time and is a real live thing. So let me give you some examples of things I believe to be true and then we’ll go from there. If you break your arm, get into a car accident, gain weight, or miss a green light it is because you are working on a frequency that allowed you to call those things into existence. Crazy? Yeah yeah… I get it. Who in their right mind would ask for a car accident or a broken bone, right? Well, I don’t think that people want those things, I think that they don’t know how to think on a positive frequency.

So, it’s like this. It can seem positive that you think in terms of not ever wanting to get into a car accident but the universe only hears that negatively. ¬†You can’t say car accident at all or you will call it into existence. You have to say, when I am in my car, I am always safe. See the difference? Look, I know you’re not dense, it’s just that it’s a hard habit to break. We’re somewhat conditioned to think in terms of what we don’t want. So if you want to lose weight, you can’t say, “I want to lose weight.” The universe only hears weight and will give you more of it. You need to say, “I am healthy and trim. I eat well and exercise.” Then the universe will guide you to find the intention to do those things. It took my husband and I less than a month to break this bad habit of talking negatively even though we didn’t know we were… and I’ll be hot damned if it didn’t turn our lives around completely. There is so much power in how your life is shaped just by tweaking the way you think. That might sound like a no brainer, but it is crazy common and not given enough emphasis.

We read the Secret 11 years ago when it first came out and it was very powerful and profound in our life at the time. It changed things in our life so much that I was actually shocked. It was in that month that I truly learned how my mind rules all. If I want to be happy it starts in my mind. Healthy? Mind. Wealthy? Mind. Kind? Mind. Safe? Mind. Once that connection is made you have the power. The power to make changes happen and happen fast.

Some of the people in my life and some of the reviews of the Secret were negative… calling it cult-like thinking and promising things as if it were magic. This frustrated me, and again, led me to believe that these naysayers were undoubtedly some of the negative few being more comfortable in their negativity than actually doing the work to be better. Because even though I’ve read the Secret several times, it was in the very first read that it was made clear to me that I had to do the work, that being positive and asking the Universe for things did not mean that, poof, it would be delivered, just like that. No, it is explained clearly that by being positive and channeling the Universe, your path will be laid out for you but you still absolutely have to do the work. The Secret helps lead you to your path to make those magical things happen, NOT indicating that they will just magically appear if you ask.

Maybe it shouldn’t, but it takes work to be positive. Practice. Sadly, we’re somewhat conditioned to see the dark in things. Sadly, there are very negative things happening in the world. Sadly, pain and suffering are real things. But it can be learned and practiced to respond to these things that occur in life differently… better. Today, I choose to see the light through the darkness and the silver lining on the cloud. It’s a much happier and healthier place to reside in my mind, and positively affects my entire life. I’m not always successful. I have a few demons that I have to fight to stay on the up and up and not go negative… but I do. I fight them and usually win. It’s hard to stay negative when you are willing to see the way a positive mindset can impact your life.

In conclusion I just want to say that even if you don’t buy into this line of thinking necessarily I would just ask you, why not? Not the, why not, let’s get into a debate about it. But the, why not just try it on for size. You literally have absolutely nothing to lose by trying to be more positive and practice more positive behaviors. Nothing. What harm could possibly come from trying the drug free, low risk, low effort approach to a negative life turned positive? I’ll tell you… NONE. If you’ve tried other things and you are still miserable, why on earth not try JUST changing the way your mind works. Your mind IS that powerful. Beeeelieve me.

Oh, the School of Life

Did your parents teach you about money? ¬†I think most parents, or at least know that mine, did their best at raising us. ¬†I know that. ¬†In hindsight I wish certain things were more, less, or different but that they did their best. ¬†I’m content with this. ¬†Much of this. One thing that I wish parents of my generation taught better and/or was taught in school is finances. ¬†Finances, investments, compounded interest, savings, retirement. ¬†All of it. At least a glimpse. ¬†School for loot. ¬†A glimmer into adulthood in the way that money works. Teaching geometry and algebra in 10th grade but not basic accounting? C’MON! Because here’s my truth…. ¬†I suck at money. ¬†I don’t want to suck at it. ¬†I know about it now. But wish that in my 20s I knew what I know now in my 40s. ¬†Regardless… here’s what I’ve learned.

It can be a stressor.  A big fat dark hole into depression.  A constant reminder of your limitations.  A stress.  A damn stress.  Kids are expensive.  No one tells you that summer vacation and holidays need to have their own accounts.  You need money for every single thing in life.  Even the nothingness.  Just stay home on Mondays, they said, just do crafts, they said.  Crafts had to come from somewhere, yo.

Did you know that 63% of people in the US don’t have the money to cover surprise expenses as they come up? They are shit out of luck or have to borrow or sell something or get creative. SIXTY THREE PERCENT! ¬†Then there’s the 40/40/40 rule. ¬†Work 40 hours for 40 years to make 40% of your salary in retirement. ¬†Well isn’t that a load of crap. Ugh. We’re taught that if you work for an hour then you get paid for an hour. ¬†If you don’t work, you don’t get paid. ¬†Crap. We’re taught that if we want to earn more money we have to work more hours. So get a night job, spend more time away from the family, and pay more in taxes. Crap, crap, crap. ¬†Working to live. ¬†That is not life.

Take a % of what you earn and set it aside each and every pay period. ¬†Just like taxes. Pretend that money doesn’t even exist. Set it and forget it. Some of the wealthiest people in retirement did just this. Lived inside their means by pretending their means were less than they were. It will, like many many things, seem shocking at first, but like many many things, you adjust. Save money. Become as excited at watching your bank account grow as you are about spending money. Trust me, it’s contagious.

Here is where I enter the absolute explosion of at home businesses and why I’m so passionate about mine. Saving extra money becomes easy when you’re doing it on the side and from home. Being able to spend time with family, staying at home, working fewer hours, whenever I want to work them, for low risk, and it’s a tax write off. Sign me up all over again. Include that with, my business specifically, being an autopilot business AND I don’t have to harp on my warm network or do reach outs of any kind?… Yes, yes, and yes again. I literally get to have my cake and eat it too. Trust me, I work. I work hard. But I love what I’m doing and I get the perks of everything I listed above. The fact that I’m making more than triple what I did working out in the world is just the icing on the cake.

Why you? Why now? How can I? Isn’t it a scam? How can I be sure I’ll succeed? Duuuude…. we all have that. We’ve all asked that. Everyone who is anyone started their journey with those exact same questions. ¬†Really think about that. Everyone who is anyone had to start from nowhere, with nothing, with probably the same fears and wonderings. Isn’t that something? I love thinking like that. I have some of the most successful friends that literally started with no experience and $14 in the bank. So instead of thinking that something seems impossible and you’re asking, “Why me?” Start, immediately, like right this minute, saying, “why the hell NOT me?” Because, really… why not you?

Change is Better

I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday, we were talking about change ultimately, but I suppose the main topic was fear. ¬†Good grief… I could write a novel on fear. It’s such a waste of time and yet we all have it, don’t we? ¬†Of course, there’s a healthy element to fear. ¬†It can keep us safe. ¬†But I’m talking about the fear just to fear fear. Change and fear go hand in hand for some, so let’s talk about that today.

In 12 step programs there’s a saying, “living in the wreckage of our future.” ¬†I’m starting with this because isn’t that part of the fear thing? ¬†Assuming we know what change will look like in a week, a month, a year when really we have no clue whatsoever. ¬†It’s the part of fear that stops us in our tracks… assuming it will be terrible or too hard when really it’s just…. different. ¬†I always find that so interesting because if we are changing or doing something healthy for ourselves as a way of changing, in my experience, that only leads to really amazing things. ¬†And yet different is scary. ¬†It’s just what’s ingrained. Are there bumps along the way and times of discomfort? ¬†Sure… dare I say absolutely. But at the end of the day barreling ahead anyway has only proved worth it times 100. ¬†In all of the times I’ve had to recover from one thing or another there have always been spaces of discomfort to get to the other side. ¬†The other side is always better. ¬†Change is hard, sometimes really hard,¬†but always worth it.

I’ll use one of my own experiences as an example. ¬†After the booze was no longer a symptom in my life, the emotional growth and change was it’s own ride, but I’m just going to start with the decision to not have alcohol be a part of my life anymore.

Let me tell you a little bit about how it was a part of my life though first. ¬†I started drinking, like really drinking, in college. ¬†That was when I discovered it’s numbing power and boy was that ever a power in my mind. ¬†My very own built in, college expectant, found around every corner numbing agent. ¬†I was a happy girl. ¬†I was a party girl. ¬†I found a reason to go out almost every night of the week in order not to feel. ¬†I liked it. ¬†I really, really liked it. ¬†It became how I socialized, how I hooked up, how I got away with being an ass, my excuse for dropping classes, and my excuse for being antisocial when not drinking (the trusty hangover came in very handy when I didn’t want to be around people without a buzz).

Nothing changed for years after that. ¬†I lived on Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard, which was amazing, but was basically just an extension of college in the way of lifestyle. Especially since I found myself in the restaurant industry, waiting tables and bartending. Drinking was how I spent my time at the beach, sometimes on shift, and absolutely after shift. ¬†It literally was a part of every decision I made pertaining to what I was going to do each day or night.

I actually moved off of the islands in an attempt to get away from the lifestyle. ¬†It worked in some ways… I discovered yoga, meditation, and what I wanted to do for a living. ¬†But what they say is true, “wherever I go, there I am.” ¬†So the drinking continued even though my entire surroundings were different. ¬†This was the first time, believe it or not, that I thought maybe, possibly, I have a problem. ¬†That was a good 8 years before I ever stepped foot in a meeting.

In the next 8 years I had a series of very meaningful friendships, jobs that I loved, moving across the country, studying to become a doula, meeting my husband, getting married, and having my first baby, all intermingled with alcohol remaining a staple in my days. ¬†It wasn’t until we moved back across the country that it glared it’s hideously, ugly head.

I spiraled after my husband got in a very serious car accident. ¬†It led me to going out one night and saying this exact sentence, “if I can’t go out in public and drink like a normal human being, I’m going to AA tomorrow.” ¬†I went to AA the next day.

The following 6 years would look like a series of attempts, followed by relapse, then healing, then hurting, then a suicide attempt, then a relapse, then a suicide attempt, then rehab, then some healing, some more hurting, another relapse, having an affair and leaving my family.  Therein lies my officially official bottom.  That was almost 3 years ago that I had my last drink.

Guess what kept me relapsing and getting sicker and sicker…. FEAR. ¬†Fear of how to live sober, fear of not having a drink in my hand everywhere I went, fear that I will never have fun again, fear that I will lose all of my friends, fear that no one will understand me, fear of judgement, fear of looking inside myself, fear of CHANGE. ¬†Freaking Fear!!! That bitch kept me drunk. ¬†Guess how much ANY of that matters today in the face of my changed self?? ¬†Nada, none, zilch, zero!! ¬†I’d do it again 1000 times. ¬†Getting well, really owning my wrongs, getting honest, taking suggestions, letting myself be helped and loved, going inside, replacing the drink with my higher self was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. ¬†I’m about as comfortable being vulnerable as I would be walking on hot coals but I did it anyway.

Here’s my message, and this is so that hopefully you don’t have to endure years of fighting it like I did… Stop fearing change and instead embrace it. ¬†Embrace the shit out of change because it’s big and beautiful and worth every single second. ¬†Take your power back with change. ¬†It takes a very strong person to realize that they’re meant for more and doing the work to see to it. ¬†I took a lot of power from hearing this at a meeting, “anyone can drink… but it takes fricking guts not to.”

So that is just one of several examples of how fearing change can hurt you or help you all wrapped up in a messy little story. ¬†Don’t wait like I did. ¬†Don’t balk and kick and scream like I did. ¬†Own it. ¬†Face it. ¬†Make change your bitch, because if I believed in regret, the one thing that I would with all my heart would be that I didn’t get the message sooner. ¬†I love who I’ve become. ¬†I want that for you.

Start Small and Blossom

I did a video this morning about JUST getting started! ¬†Just begin. ¬†Do it anyway. ¬†You want change? ¬†Start small and build on your changes. ¬†I’ll put the link here for the video, but I wanted to talk some more about that because, well, it’s a big deal.

For someone who struggles with depression especially, getting the motivation to make changes can feel like the heaviest of burdens. ¬†From my perspective, one thing at a time or starting small doesn’t produce a big of enough result to keep me happy. ¬†I like a little more drama than that. ūüėČ ¬†BUT one thing at a time and starting small only makes it simply bearable to begin. ¬†The changes that snowball are no small potatoes.

My husband said to me once when I was in a depression, “JUST start going to meetings more regularly and the rest will fall into place.” ¬†That was so profound to me because I felt so broken at the time, BUT knew he was right. ¬†When we do something for ourselves that helps to improve ourselves other things that equate change just start to happen. ¬†It’s Ahhhhhmazing! ¬†So in my case, I started going to meetings and meeting with my sponsor, that allowed me to be more open about what I was going through with my friends and found those important connections again, I started feeling better and became more active, I started doing yoga and walking again for exercise, AND quit smoking!! ¬†This all over the course of at least 6 months. ¬†So you see, small tiny little efforts led to me feeling like… well myself today. ¬†I had to start somewhere.

I’ve had to start somewhere 100 times. ¬†Every time I start I have always learned something from the time before and NEVER lose what knowledge I’ve gained. ¬†Many cycles and patterns have been halted and some still hang on like frickin gorilla glue, but I will never stop starting over. ¬†That is one of my favorite lessons in this life… alcoholism, exercise, business, parenting, shit… anything that I have learned… Consistency is key and don’t ever, ever quit. ¬†Just don’t quit. ¬†Nothing can seem so dire as, “gaaawwwd… I’m never, ever, ever going to change” if you never stop trying to change.

A very important piece of this ‘daring to change’ idea is that you don’t have to do it all at once. ¬†In fact, its almost mandatory that you pace yourself, to prevent failure. ¬†I set myself up for failure every time I try to do 10 new and improved ideas all at once. Boom…Too heavy. QUIT! ¬†FAIL! ¬†Every time. ¬†Where one thing at a time usually simply leads to the next thing without even really trying.

I still look at my ass that has fallen to my knees and wonder if I’ll ever snap back after four babies… but I don’t stop trying. ¬†I absolutely hate cooking but know that I have to for the health of my children… so I’ll keep trying. ¬†I have no clue what certain technological terms and systems could better benefit my business… but damn skippy I’ll learn. ¬†I’m not altogether sure what my triggers are that send me down my rabbit hole of depression… but I will always keep trying to put the kabosh on that pattern.

In conclusion I think we’ve discovered that there simply has to be a willingness. ¬†I speak about this a lot but it really is one of the very few things needed for change and living a healthy life… Willingness. ¬†If you’re willing, you’ll try as many times as it takes.

Ugly Honest Heals the Soul

I am the queen of self help everything. ¬†It used to be books of course but now with the internet you can find blogs, videos, and more. ¬†They speak to me. ¬†Some things don’t apply but with everything I’ve been through there are times where I’m thinking, “man.. is this about me?” ¬†It speaks to me because I’m constantly looking to be a better person today than I was yesterday. ¬†That’s all. ¬†But it matters to me. ¬†I think to know myself, completely, comes the ability to change, and change is imperative.

Well yesterday my life coach posted an article on Facebook that made me reminiscent of my early journey in finding myself. ¬†I believe this to it’s bitter core. ¬†There is absolutely no healing or recovery without honesty. ¬†Living my truth has been the only thing that has brought the most meaningful relationships into my life, it’s kept me sober, and its kept me right sized… humble and grateful.

It’s a soul thing. ¬†My soul was screaming for even a pinch of authenticity. ¬†“Stop sugar coating everything Tara,” I would tell myself, and yet to show people my raw self seemed like a death sentence. ¬†I hated my truth because my truth didn’t measure up even a smidge to the person I had created outwardly. ¬†I talked a good game. ¬†I wished I was a certain way. ¬†I stood for good things, important things. ¬†But I couldn’t live up to them because I simply didn’t know how to. ¬†I had created a pattern of self destruction that became my normal… my comfort zone.

I finally… finally hit a bottom of the ugliest form… One that there was simply no denying. There was no way whatsoever to sugar coat this. ¬†So I owned it. ¬†And as soon as I did my entire life changed. ¬†I finally became relateable, approachable, real. ¬†It was a relief of epic proportions. ¬†No more pretending equals a freedom that I’m not quite sure I can properly explain inside an article.

So when are you able to parent your children well, run a successful business, heal from the inside out, teach, speak, share, laugh and grow?? ¬†As soon as you get honest. ¬†Live your truth. ¬†Talk about it. ¬†Heal from it. ¬†I promise you, more times than not, when you’re sharing what you think is your absolute worst secret, you’ll discover that the very person you’re sharing with will say, “meee tooo” or relate in another way, or share their secret with you. ¬†It’s big, powerful, beautiful stuff.

Get Up Again

What is this blog site about anyway? ¬† I wanted a platform that I could use to talk about how a hard, drama filled, challenge filled, turmoil filled life can still land on its feet. ¬†How one can go from rags to riches. ¬†How there is so much power and beauty in recovery. How searching for your authentic self on your way through the muck will actually add to your strength and character, AND¬†that it all shouldn’t be taken lightly. ¬†So is it sometimes a mess of blog posts that seem to have no flow or cohesiveness? ¬†Totally. ¬†7-mistakes-to-avoid-in-lifeWhich is why I’m mainly including this paragraph in this blog… because I’m about to totally go off on a tangent about my son’s diagnosis. ¬†This topic does in fact fit in the above definition of this site because it was a very, very difficult time in the beginning that then led to a little bit of losing myself inside his syndrome. ¬†Because May is Prader Willi Awareness Month I wanted to talk a little bit about it.

Koen Henry is 22 months old and just the happiest of all babies. ¬†I know people say that about their kids all the time, but I’m telling you that combined with the fact that it’s part of his syndrome that it takes too much energy to cry with just the best disposition, he really is just ridiculously happy.

Koen is our fourth child so very soon after coming home from the hospital I knew something was wrong. ¬†He couldn’t eat and had little to no alert time. ¬†After going to the doctor they referred us to UVA where they didn’t wait long to admit him. ¬†He had lost over a pound since birth and if nothing else they needed to get him hydrated. ¬†In the PICU he had every test under the sun done. ¬†Too many to count. ¬†We were there for 2 weeks and were sent home without a diagnosis but with an NG tube in his nose for feedings. ¬†At least we could start to get him gaining weight. ¬†Well, he wouldn’t leave the damn thing in his nose so back to the hospital we went to have surgery to put the gtube in his belly. ¬†There was so much hemming and hawing at this… back and forth, worry, tears, and the trusty “what did I do to and why can’t I help my baby?!” ¬†Such an emotional time.¬†11774602_10152999582449856_578218659_n

His diagnosis came at 8 weeks old. ¬†Prader Willi Syndrome. ¬†This wasn’t a surprise to me because when we went to the geneticist for testing they gave us a document explaining the panel that they would be testing for. ¬†I researched them all and knew immediately, based on his symptoms, that it was Prader Willi. ¬†So I wasn’t surprised, like I said, but was definitely in shock. ¬†It became real all of a sudden. ¬†From the time we went to the hospital the first time until the diagnosis we had already taken advantage of several resources. ¬†He was entered in to early intervention to receive at home services for pediatric visits, physical therapy and speech therapy. ¬†We were going to our regular PCP often as well for inoculations and constant weigh ins. ¬†Follow ups with the geneticist and surgeon. ¬†After the diagnosis came we were introduced to Dr. Miller down in Florida who is an endocrinologist that specializes in Prader Willi Syndrome. ¬†She’s amazing!!

So what is PWS? ¬†Good question. ¬†I’m not going to copy and paste textbook definitions, I’m going to just put it out there from my perspective. ¬†PWS is a genetic disorder affecting chromosome 15. ¬†It affects the hypothalmus, therefore all of the hormones. ¬†How it presents in infancy looks a lot like “failure to thrive.” ¬†Extreme lethargy, lack of strength, hypotonia or low muscle tone, inability to latch or suck, sometimes low body temperature as well as low sugar readings. ¬†It affects cognitive, behavior, sex hormones, can often be short in stature and very low muscle tone, and hunger. ¬†More often than not by ages 2 to 5 they develop hyperphagia or the inability to feel full/always hungry. ¬†In the beginning we’re trying desperately to get them to eat and gain weight and then they spend the rest of their life trying not to eat too much or gain weight. ¬†Crazy, right?

11787303_10153014831379856_1140984354_nPWS is rare. ¬†One in 20,000. ¬†But we have such knowledgeable professionals with an interest in teaching us, and continuously researching, testing, and searching for a cure. It’s truly amazing the list of people that Koen has in his corner, helping him regularly to live a very full life. ¬†He’s almost 2 and doesn’t talk or walk yet. ¬†But even though there are delays in reaching his milestones he will reach them all the same.

The growth hormone!! ¬†Sixteen years ago the growth hormone was introduced to babies with Prader and can I just tell you… the statistics are amazing! ¬†Not only does it help them in the actual growth area, it helps, by leaps and bounds, cognitively. ¬†The average IQ in an adult with PWS before the growth hormone was 65. ¬†Now with GHT the average IQ in an adolescent is 87. ¬†I mean… that’s just nuts! ¬†Good nuts!

In the beginning, it was all, get me my cape… I’ve got this super mom thing. ¬†I can at least adequately tend to the needs of my three older children while at the same time learning how to be a special needs momma. ¬†And I did. ¬†Better than adequately. ¬†I thrived on learning more and celebrating, not only Koen’s milestones, but all that my other babies were accomplishing too. ¬†And the relationship that they have with Koen?? ¬†Forget about it. ¬†Special doesn’t even come close to describing it.¬†17457722_10154508133884856_8661591979086586293_n

Well, about 13, 14 months in to this amazing baby’s life I found myself slipping into a rather ambiguous depression. ¬†Was it because of this or because of that? ¬†Let the over thinking begin. ¬†Well, it turns out that in the process of adding a new identity (special needs mommy) to my others I got lost inside of it. ¬†I was now JUST and ONLY a mom of a boy with special needs. ¬†I felt as if it was what defined me. ¬†What I was recognized for. How people related to me or even noticed me for that matter. ¬†When in truth I simply stopped doing the things that equal out to that of self care. ¬†Isolated. ¬†It took me forever to find what was really wrong and then even longer to decide what to do about it. ¬†Really it just came down to talking about it and doing something outside of what I was normally doing in a given day. ¬†But so tough. ¬†We’re in a great place today. ¬†There’s a little more balance and a lot of laughs.

I still wonder daily if I’m doing everything right. ¬†I mean, the answer is a resounding NO… but the wonder’s always there anyway… Everyone’s diet could be better, we could definitely have the TV on less, I should practice Koen’s therapy with him a little bit more…. You know, the forever thinking we can be doing better. ¬†But what always weighs out at this time in my life (thank God) is that what I am doing is creating real, genuine, and goooood small people. ¬†With morals and a sense of humor who know that my love for them runs reeeeally deep. ¬†It’s so important that they know that. ¬†And they do. ¬†And most of the time that is enough. ¬†That fills me up.

The moral of the story is simply that shit gets heavy in all sorts of ways. ¬†Find it, do it, fall down… hard… but then get back up and get going again. ¬†For all of my mistakes and down times there’s an equal amount of something special to share.

Work and Depression

Depression. ¬†It has wracked my life since I was very small. ¬†I remember being 8 years old and naming my panic attacks. “I’m having my¬†breathing thing again.” ¬†And of course not knowing what that was, immediately made me question my health and continue to worry. ¬†So small to start such a vicious cycle…. alas I did suffer with this until I was 20 years old and an ER doctor finally gave it a name for me. ¬†I wish I could say that that was the end of my struggles but really it was just the beginning. ¬†I would trudge through 14 more years of mistakes, worry, depression, not quite understanding who exactly I was, drinking too much and some pretty unhealthy relationships before healing became my new way of life. ¬†But it did. ¬†Today I can’t stress enough how self discovery and doing the work to find that has improved every single aspect of my life. ¬†It’s like a new life. Different. Better. Wonderful.

It takes work. ¬†It takes more mistakes and trial and error to find what you’re destined for but it’s so worth it. ¬†Every action step you take to heal from depression (and more) is leading you to greatness. ¬†Your greatness. ¬†But therein lies the trick. ¬†Action. ¬†The very opposite that depression wants you to do. ¬†No matter how many times I find myself low or even depressed the only thing that helps me to see it through is to get busy. ¬†Literally forcing myself to get up anyway. ¬†Do it anyway. ¬†Fake it until I make it. ¬†BUT within a very short amount of time I’m finding my way back to the surface by talking about it and getting dressed, getting up and getting out. ¬†Hard? ¬†Impossible sometimes but the only way to find your solution is to just keep trying. ¬†Today I walk, eat well, take antidepressants, take flower essences, and drink a ton of infused water. That all helps on the insides… the outside? I have to talk and engage with friends. ¬†Not a lot. ¬†Not in a way that is overwhelming, but some. ¬†And when I do it’s so so so enjoyable. ¬†I’m one that needs her down time even outside of depression but my friends fill me up!! ¬†Completely fill me up.

Work. ¬†Work and depression completely daunted me. ¬†How can I work when I’m feeling this way? ¬†Well for the last several years I’ve been able to stay home doing network marketing so that I could be present and available to my children. ¬†It became even more imperative I stay home once my 4th child was born with special needs. ¬†Going out to work was not an option. ¬†Working from home can be detrimental when combined with depression. ¬†It can be so hard to motivate on those days, which only leads to that feeling of failure or inability. ¬†What you should be doing holds little weight to the drag down of depression. ¬†“I’ll get to it tomorrow” becomes the continuous promise even though tomorrow relentlessly becomes tomorrow again. ¬†Well, then I found the Super Affiliate Network. ¬†

It turns out that, after all of the career choices I have run through in my lifetime, internet marketing is my jam. ¬†It fits with just about every aspect of my life, including that of my struggles. ¬†There is so little I have to do in a day to continuously make my business successful that there’s plenty of time for all of the things that I need to be doing to keep myself healthy and feeling well. ¬†I was certain that anyone that talked about a type of business that essentially runs itself was blowing smoke or just trying to scam me. ¬†Well I’m here to tell you that this skeptic turned believer is over the moon with this business. After I get my older kiddos off to school, I work for less than an hour every morning while my little boy plays and eats his breakfast. ¬†Things come up during the day like a message from a teammate or business partner, there’s always continuous training and reading that I could be doing, and there’s constant support out there in the form of calls and webinars but, the “work” I do to remain successful is peanuts compared to what else my day entails. ¬†This business frees me up to do all of the things that keep me healthy and happy and away from the darkness. ¬†I send emails and place ads and that’s it. ¬†It is continuously changing our lives and makes me so excited about my family’s future.

Depression can run the show. ¬†It has run my show. ¬†But I decided enough was enough. ¬†I took back my life through many, many avenues. ¬†The other side of the darkness has so very much to offer. ¬†I hope you’re finding your other side.